Day 51 - when to reach stillness?

I caught up with my best friend yesterday - for the first time in weeks - and the first time since my retreat over easter.

He's a stockbroker, but quite spiritual and supportive of my new life with no short term income.

At the end of my part of the catch up, he asked me a really good question:

'If I start on this spritual journey like you have, my deepest fear is that I become content with not quite accomplishing what I know I want in life, because I will realise it doesn't mean all that much. I'm afraid I will lose my edge. Is this so?'

I laughed. And not just becasue he appears to be chasing things that he already knows aren't of any importance.

Take a minute to think about how absurd that is.

I laughed because it reminded me of a line I read in Eckart Tolle's book The Power of Now, after the realisation that he just wanted to 'be': 'I had no relationships, no home, no socially defined identity. I spent almost 2 years sitting on park benches in a state of most intense joy'.

At the time of reading that it really made me think.

When I started out on this journey, I jumped in at the deep end. I decided not to return to work for a monthly paycheck, downsized my flat and put money in the bank to fund the project, and underwent some fairly hardcore personal development and group awareness therapy. The writing of my book played second fiddle to this stuff for a while.

And more than a few times during that work, I brushed with the realistion that nothing really means anything in this world. Nothing at all. Things might mean something to you, or mean something to me, because we have attached meaning to them. But saying something 'means something to me' does not mean that it 'means something' in the universal sense. Ghandi means something to 500millions indian people for whom he changed the course of the future. But some people in south america have never even heard of him, so he means nothing to them. Thus he doesn't mean anything universally.

And it occured to me, each time I realised this, that all the striving in life, the struggle to attain what you want and have what you want have to happen, is pointless. You may as well just go with the flow and, in the words of Marcus Aurelius 'accept only what comes to you woven in the pattern of your destiny'.

But for young men like my friend and myself, enlightening as this realisation might be, it represents a significant danger to our future. Because all those things we are striving for - me with the writing of my book and him with his deals in the city
- mean soemthing to us. And they mean something to our families and friends.

Which is why neither of us wants to end up like Tolle - sitting on a park benches feeling ridiculously happy with absolutely nothing to show for it.

Way before my chat with best friend, I was mulling over this on my way to my retreat over easter and resolved to ask the shaman who was leading the week what his view was.

'Shaman, one of my fears is the extent to which i have 'seen the light' during all this self stuff. It has caused me once or twice to question if any of my work or ambition is necessary at all. If I carry on exploring the rabbit hole of our existence, will I conclude Tolle is right to sit on park benches all day, and end up sitting on my own park benches, feeling fine and dandy, and never accomplishing anything?'

'That is the end result, yes.' replied the shaman solemnly.

'I'm not sure how I feel about that.'

'It needn't worry you just yet', the shaman said, smiling, 'it takes a bloody long time to get there.'

I laughed.

The shaman went on to me that because i had created such meaning in my world and thus held such things dear, that is the world in which i should stay. And if i was to stay in that world with my friends and family, who gave me such happiness, I would need to earn a living and pay my way, and thus that was why i 'wanted' and 'strived' with my writing.

'But' he said - 'therein lies the key to all this. If you must do things in life, in order to fund your surroundings and your lifestyle - make that journey of 'doing' enjoyable. Your purpose is your happiness in many ways. It will ensure that you genuinely love yourself and love what you are doing in order so that you can love everything else in your life, and never start to resent it for keeping you from the aforementioned state of nirvana - because you are there anyway'.

I realised then that simply following your heart and your dreams is nirvana.

I told this to my friend and we concluded that it all came down to balance.

And now I realise that i can safely pursue this zen like state, happy in the knowledge that it is many years away, and that the journey will be truly amazing for me, as i write my way towards the ultimate destination.

But I also have to say that I am looking forward to spending some days - maybe even many days, perhaps in 20 years or so, simply sitting on a park bench feeling unbridled, ecstatic joy.

And not feeling the need to do anything at all.

That appeals hugely.

Writing time: 6 hours

Manifestation: 100%

Day 50 - progress audit mk2

OK, time to take stock of where I am with things.

Just 11 days until my 30th birthday. It doesn't look like my book deal will be in place by then.

BUT - who cares about time? Time is one of the biggest illusions of all.

Will I really be any different whatsoever when I turn 30?

No.

I'll just have a new label. And labels, very much like time, are totally meaningless.

I would say the manifestation of How To Survive Your 20's continues at good speed. Maybe not as fast as I hoped, but truly I now realise that the journey itself is the destination - and that is key to completing good work.

I also realise much much more about the way the world works than when I started 50 days ago. You've got to slow down to speed up. It's so important to react to synchronistic events. Things that happen to us happen for a reason. And positive thought and Kaizen rule.

I have 3 weeks left of my writing course, at the end of which I will have a book proposal to show to publishers. As long as I fill those 3 weeks with as much good work and positive thought as is humanly possible, and ignore the difficulties that life presents me with, I feel I have enough material now to really present my case for a publisher in an authoritarian, unique manner. That should be possible - potential house move and trip vegas to celebrate 30th aside.

Vegas is starting to feel like a major thorn in the side of my progress. 'It's only 3 days' i keep telling myself.

But let's look further into my blog and the rationale for setting out on this project in the first place. I am aiming to put The Secret to the test. To ask, believe and recieve that my work will be published and I become a bestseller.

I believe in these mantras more than ever. There are so many signs that they are conspiring to help me.

So I was again dissapointed to see another British newspaper, the Evening Standard, slagging The Secret off yesterday.

Laura Craik, who used to be the fashion dolly for the paper, has taken a dislike to it after her single girlfriends told her to get a copy of the book. She kinda implies that all single girls are self help junkies, and also gets nicely smug about the fact that she is s) in a relationship and b) so busy toiling at work that she has to order a copy from amazon as opposed to trot down ken high street to get a copy from waterstone's. Craik says that watching paint dry is more interesting and The Secret is 'quacky'.

She closes her tirade against The Secret by saying 'if you want spiritual enlightenment, try the church. Or failing that, the bottom of a beer glass. The Secret? There isn't one. The Truth? Life's a bitch and then you die.'

Now, surely even the most hard nosed sceptics can see how sad, bitter and plain unnattractive that piece of journalism actually is?

I mean, the church for goodness's sake? In these times, how out of tune is that? And as for the bottom of a beer glass, maybe that is where Craik finds herself all too often. Craik looks as tight lipped as her writing suggests, and again I would like to ask why almost every mainstream UK media title has now ranted against The Secret as a 'quacky money making scheme'. And none of the 'journalists' even put The Sercet to the test!!! How can they claim to be providing a good service to their readers if they make such huge negative assumptions?

I say it again: Why not simply start publishing exerpts from this blog every day and put The Secret to the test properly, by someone who genuinely believes it will work?

All this negativity makes progress difficult. Constantly having moments of doubt instilled in me by the media just sucks. Not just for me but for eveyone that Craik so despises who uses The Secret to great effect.

It's whiny, cynical, destructive and plain British.

Conversely, America has embraced The Secret with open arms. Oprah has done 2 one hour specials on it. It is top of the NY Times bestseller list. The DVD has sold 2million copies. They even gave it away in the goody bags on Oscar night - a sure fire sign that the establishment has bought into it.

It's a classic sign of America's strengths winning over British weaknesses.

We are so negative as a nation. Our first instinct is to say why we can't do something. America's is to say why they can.

My progress continues in this most difficult environment, but surrounded by such negativity and cynicism it is tough.

I am starting to feel that the answer may lie elswhere.

Many synchronistic things have recently pointed me to America.

I may start to react to them soon.

Writitng time: 4 hours

Manifestation: 90%

Days 47, 48, 49 - the property test

Another interesting development on the property front.

At the 11th hour, just one day before we were due to exchange, my buyer announces he is 70 large ones short of his offer. Nice timing, thanks pal.

Cue cancelling of all house move plans at just 24 hours notice, and a weekend of acute worry and stress over the potential disastrous loss of my onward purchase, not to mention the money from the sale.

Except I now realise that acute worry and stress is going to deliver precisely nothing to my life, indeed it will probably result in negative manifestations.

I am therefore looking upon this most testing of weeks as a mere test in my power to stick to my path with total faith. I must not waiver.

The buyer has another 7days to come up with the money, or I run a mile with his nice fat deposit. But it's all a bit of an illusion because I now owe that fat deposit to my onward purchase.

In times such as these, it seems that faith in the universe and mother nature to provide me with all i want in this life can seem a little... whacky. But I shall stick to the plan and watch the manifestation happen around me.

However, the manifestation of my bestselling book is not exactly speeding up - my intention to free up a bit of capital to allow me time to write without restriction has been ripped to pieces by my bulshitting buyer. It's not just my house sale that may fall apart - it is my intentions and dreams as well.

But - if i focus on the negativity that is what will manifest - so positive thinking and feeling good is a must all this week.

Stay tuned for a full assesment of my progress so far on Day 50 - living the dream?

Writing time: not enough due to uncertainty around house move.

Manifestation: 75%

Day 47 - going with the flow

It's funny how mothers are sometimes proved right in the long run. Stuff they know about, they know about.

If i had a pound for everytime mine had told me to 'slow down' over the years i would be a very wealthy man.

And that is precisely what i have resolved to do - on the advice of my mom, and countless help gurus.

We all know how different somthing feels when it is 'right' or 'meant to be' to when it is 'wrong'. This is called alignment. Alignment with the universe and alignment with your destiny.

Being in alignment is something I am really feeling at the moment.

But the thing is, it requires certian measures are taken to ensure that I stay in this good space. The first being that I am in alignment not only with what I am here to do, but also with the how nature and the universe intends me to accomplish it.

Life shouldn't be a struggle. Every moment should be as it should be. The minute you try and force something to happen the blockages come up and you are out of alignment. That is why people at work, with intense deadlines to meet, are so strtessed and unhappy. They are always meeting deadlines that do nothing for them - other peoples deadlines. That is what makes them unhappy. They have no alignment. They may be rich but so what? If there's one thing we all know to be true it is that their money can't buy them happiness (which is all any of us really wants when you strip it down - the Dalai Lama says this is so).

I mean, let's look at 5 of the biggest self gurus of all time, and their thoughts on slowing down and going with the flow:

One of the Grandaddy's of self help, Lao Tzu, in the Tao Te Ching, 3rd century BC: 'Flow around obstacles, don't confront them. Don't struggle to succeed. Wait for the right moment.'

The modern guru, Deepak Chopra: 'The 4th spiritual law of success is the law of least effort. This is the principle of least action, of no resistance... When we learn this lesson from nature, we easily fulfill our desires.'

The corporate guru, Richard Koch (80/20 principle): 'The 80/20 principle, like the truth, can make you free. You can work less. At the same time, you can earn and enjoy more.'

Bill Clinton's guru, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (pronounded Meehee Chick-sent-meehee), and modern master of all things 'flow': 'Flow helps to integrate the self because in that state of deep concentration - going with the flow - conciousness is unusually well ordered.' (That must be why i feel everyone else is mad, whereas i feel totally normal! My conciousness is ordered. Theirs is muddled!)

Thomas Moore, who spent a year at the top of the NYTimes bestseller list: 'Soul cannot thrive in a fast paced life because being affected, taking things in and chewing on them, requires time.'

And then of course their is that greatest of helpers, my mother, with the constant requests for me to 'slow down'.

They are all on to something i think.

Going with the flow is not easy, however. As Csikzentmihalyii says, it requires deep concentration and forgoing of distractions. Once you have identified what you are here to do, as my deep sense of wellbeing surely indicates that i have, you must then focus on that completely, putting in the requisite work when the universe and intuition (surely interelated guides) indicate it is needed. But it's no hassle when you love what you do.

My best work is happening as a consequence.

It happens in writing all the time. At the beginning of the year, I was constantly putting the cart before the horse, setting myself herculean tasks about which i knew little, and thus producing shabby work. But as my journey continues, I have discovered inspiration and quality come from peace, alignment and meditation.

So hear's to slowing down.

And going with the flow.

All those gurus can't be wrong - and nor can mom.

Writing time: 9 hours

Manifestation: 100%

Day 46 - The Retreat (cont) - self love

On the final day of the retreat over Easter, I had one last question.

I now knew that I posessed everything I needed to move forward with my book and my life, that the answers to everything lay right inside me, and how to ensure my heart would triumph over my ego.

But one piece of information still eluded me.

How was I to apply this new plan in 'real life' - back in the 'real' world? When you are surrounded by the matrix, it is all to easy to slip into old habits. It was troubling me. I had had great experiences with other forms of therapy (but none as revealing as my time at Tourne), and then failed to integrate the knowledge into my life back in London.

I sought advice from the Shaman leading the retreat, who told me all the answers lay in our dreams and subconcious, and if I really wanted to know, I should meditate and ask the Ayahausca in our final session that night. I nodded - the Ayahausca had revealed epic information to me in the past few days - there was no reason it would not do so again.

That night we drank our small glass of the peruvian plant and I sat meditating on my life, wandering why I could never full manage to apply all the things I knew were good for me into my life. Why did I always seem to lapse into drinking and taking drugs with people I knew were such a negative influence? Why did I sometimes make such bad choices? Why did I sometimes sabotage beneficial situations?

These questions were answered by a series of rather dark, depressing but hugely rewarding visualisations and realisations.

It's self love.

I don't apply it.

Some of my friends may laugh at that - but it's true.

Becuase we are not talking narcissistic self love here.

We are talking care and attention - TLC - the type you get from your own mother.

If you don't love yourself, you don't treat yourself right. Think about that for a second. Do you treat yourself like someone that you love?

The answer with me was a big 'no'.

Do you want someone you love to go out drinking all the time and thus watch them become unable to pursue their dreams? Do you hope to see people you love screw up beneficial situations and circumstances? Do you want someone you love to eat and drink too much and get overweight?

No.

And none of this stuff happens to you when you apply large doses of self love.

And it'll be different from now on in this corner.

Just asking 'If i loved myself would i do this?' has helped instil huge discipline over the past week or so.

Drinking sessions become yoga sessions. Meeting someone for an expensive lunch becomes a run in the park. Jumping out of bed to make a cup of coffee and manically writing my to do list becomes 15 minutes of meditation overlooking the trees next to my flat.

But above all, all I want to do is write. I am writing my best stuff ever - and it's from the heart not the ego.

That's what I learned on The Retreat.

The manifestation continues at pace.

Writing time: 7 hours

Manifestation: 100% (have not had a proper hangover for well over 3 weeks now - feeling very proud).

Day 45 - ralph waldo emerson

I've been reading lots of Emerson - his universal knowledge is cropping up endlessly in chapters of How To Survive Your 20's In One Piece.

Emerson is known, along with a handful of others, as one of the grandaddys of self help.

He is big on self reliance, and helped sculpt the principals of American individualism.

This is certainly something which I can currently identify with. My faith in this project, some might say, borders on the insane.

Problem is, there is no other way for me. And therein lies the joy of it all.

In Emerson's words:

'Insist on yourself: Never imitate.Your own gift you can present every moment with the cumulative force of a whole life's cultivation; but of the adopted talent of another you have only a modicum of posession. That which each can do best, but none but his maker can teach him... Do that which is assigned to you, and you cannot hope too much or dare too much.'

It's big stuff, is Emerson, and it is both inspiring and frightening in equal measure. But as we now know, living with fear is progress in itself.

'Do that which is assigned to you' especially rings true. Throughout my 20's I have always known I wanted to be a writer. I was pretty good at writing at school, but beyond that, there was no indication that writing was what i should pursue. I just knew one day that was my purpose.

And when you just know what you want, no matter how big the task, no matter how many your shortcomnings, if you've got the balls, you just have to get on with it.

Granted, i have received help from my family along the way, but there's no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow. I am risking my future, the sceptics tell me.

And they are right. In this society, every day spent as a 29 year old man not earning and building my CV is a risk.

But I regard the 9to5 as the bigger risk. The risk that you do your 40 years and, if your heart wasn't in it, you end up with nothing. No love, no happiness, endless 'what ifs' and a death affirming prozac addiction. Moribund we all are, but i'd rather really live until i die than feel dead way before i actually am.

And I'm sorry to say this, but most people in the Matrix are kind of already dead.

You have to stay out of The Matrix and afford yourself the time and presence of mind to achieve your goals.

That is Emerson's meassage about the leap to self-reliant freedom.

Human beings find a way to survive.

Because it is just making that step that gets you to the ultimate destination. Because the palace of your dreams - the images of happiness and contentment, maybe the car, the house, the lifestyle - doesn't actually exist. Because when you finally get to a place that resembles it, that moment is instantly in the past and you want something else. Hence the truthful old cliche 'the journey is the destination'.

So you may as well enjoy it and apply yourself to what you love. I am only just beginning to understand that phrase. By that rationale, I already consider myself a success. Just to have escaped the matrix and be on my path feels incredible.

Emerson urges us to truly examine ourselves and identify our calling.

But now that I have done so, everyone gives me hassle about it...

He goes on: 'Our primary duty is not to our family, to our job, to our country, but only that which calls us to do or be. Too often 'duty' prevents us from taking up our true path. We can push aside a calling for years, choosing obvious sources of money or satisfaction or a more comfortable situation, but it will eventually make its claims.'

Hmmm. That feels good. Our duty is to give ourselves the best possible life, and in doing so help all those around us see the light also.

On education, brilliantly, RWE says that conventional education is very much about teaching people where their ceiling might be as opposed to how to break through it - society doesn't want to bust open the matrix. It would be too chaotic. He talks of real intelligence living in 'intuition' - whereas all traditional modern schooling is based around 'tuition'.

I like this guy Emerson very much.

In a flash of light, Emerson says: 'Your conformity explains nothing'.

Why then, is it almost shameful in today's society to say to someone 'i am working on my unpublished first book'.

You get the inevitable looks of 'yeah, right' or a kind of half hearted 'good on yer pal'.

Insincere comments formulated at the heart of the matrix.

About this feeling Emerson says: 'We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea that each of us represents'.

No more shame over here.

Emerson says I am doing the right thing...

I am going with him.

Writing time: 4 hours

Manifestation: 100%

Day 44 - be the change

It's tough to communicate positive change to people.

Just recently this blog seems to be more focussed on the manifestation of my mental stability via various forms of therapy than on the manifestation of my elusive publisher.

And all this work, this journeying into myself, is bringing up all sorts of unforseen problems.

I can't seem to have a conversation about it without getting riled by people's scepticism and inability to accept what is going on with me.

I mean, if someone asks you a question like 'so what are the effects of all this therapy stuff?' and I tell them the honest answer (after all it is me who is going through these experiences), it is incredibly annoying to then be told that i am wrong about what is happening.

I'm not wrong. Not a chance.

Not that there is such a thing as right and wrong, but i'm gonna use them tonight as i'm frustrated.

Because this is all knoweldge - knowledge about what is happenig to me - to my head and my heart and my spirit. It's not an opinion - I can feel the changes inside me. I know what they feel like, and no one else.

And if someone asks me a question about it, then it would be highly inauthentic of me to say anything other than the truth - and inauthenticity is no longer an option.

Not even a smidge.

I guess Ghandi had similar problems of his own when he was fulfiling his destiny...

That's what he must have meant when he said 'be the change.'

It's the only way to win over the outside world.

This terribly sceptical, cynical outside world.

Writing time: 5 hours

Manifestation: 80% due to slight hangover

Day 43 - The Retreat cont - 3 dimensional vision

On the first night of the retreat, i had a dream.

Frequent readers will know about my obsession with the Hawaian 'huna of being'. The idea behind the huna is that to live the life you really want, you must revolve equally between the 3 states of human existence: 'being', 'having' and 'doing'. Being is gathering energy via yoga, meditation and other beneficial, self serving exercises. Doing is using that energy to achieve and acumulate what we want in this life. Having is finishing off the energy supplies by enjoying the fruits of our labour.

The huna is usually presented in a 2D triangular diagram.

I have always believed, since my guru taught me of the huna a few years back, that within the huna lies happiness and fulfilment - master those 3 states, sharing your time equally among them, and you will get to where you want to be.

And as you frequent readers know, i have never quite mastered them.

The dream was a series of exchanges between myself and a shaman like figure. I was trying to give him an object I had made - a wooden triangle representing the huna.

'It's broken and i need you to fix it.' I said.

'It's not broken.' the shaman replied softly, smiling at me.

I woke up, trying to figure the exchange out, before drifting back to sleep and returning to the dream.

'It's broken and i want you to fix it for me.' i said, more forcefully.

'It's not broken.' The shaman said again kindly.

Again i woke, confused, before returning to my sleep.

Back in the dream I was frustrated and angry now - trying to force my wooden huna on the shaman.

'It's broken and i can't mend it. I need you to fix it. Please fix it for me."

But the shaman simply replied 'it's not broken, child.'

I woke exasperated, and a bit beffudled, as you sometimes can feel after a dream of cryptic nature.

But I wrote the dream down - not something i normally do.

The following night in our Ayahausca ceremony, I asked the plant to tell me what the dream meant, and lay back under the stars at my temporary home in the mountains.

I saw pyramids. Pyramids of all shapes and sizes, illuminated in gloomy shades of light by many moons, and then drenched in irridesent spotlights by a huge burning sun, revolving around my figure in the center of the pyramid.

And it hit me like the proverbial big bang.

The huna is not a 2D triangle. It's a 3D pyramid. A 3 sided pyramid. An object not a drawing. After 2 years of studying the huna, I finally realised what was missing - nothing. I just hadn't been looking at it properly.

But what was the fourth dimension? The missing point that I hadn't - until now - been able to see?

In the dream lay the answer, the Ayahausca revealed.

I re read my notes. And I saw many moons. And I relaised that the being, having and doing were all daylight activities. But for a good 30% of our lives we are asleep, dreaming our little heads off.

The fourth dimension is our dreams - our subconcious.

It's who we really are.

I haven't stopped writing, or re-drawing my huna, ever since.

It's more beautiful now than it ever was before - a 3D representation of my life. Something to refer to constantly and measure myself against.

And guess what? I'm completely in control of it. Divided perfectly between the four states of being.

Living out my destiny.

Writing time: 4 hours

Manifestation: 100%

Day 42 - lashings of cash

I was having a post retreat catch up at my friends new £1m+ one bedder in notting hill last night (it's funny, but as you approach 30 it dawns on you that some people are going to be stinking rich. This is a good thing - if your friends become rich, you benefit hugely).

We were talking therapy, and our respective life projects that you might call work.

Actually, we were trying to define what 'work' actually is - and what constituted being in the matrix or out of the matrix. You would certainly call his work, work. But he is not really in The Matrix - he is a maverick fund manager. He is the liam gallagher of fund management. But a bit posher.

I am not sure you would call what i do 'work'.

And amen to that.

And I was, as usual, seeking reassurance on this tricky path i am treading. And, shaky old sage that he is, my friend summed it up nicely.

Loosely the chat ran like this:

'So, basically, you're aiming to make a lot of money out of writing a book about how to avoid the type of responsibility free, degenerate existence that you've led for the past 10 years?'

'That's pretty much it, yes.'

'You're actually going to turn getting completely lashed into a living?'

'That's it.'

'Seems like a very good idea.'

'Thanks.'

'I mean, that is certainly what you are good at.'

'Yes it is.'

'I think it'll be huge. Your resources are endless. Go for it.'

'Thank you very much for the feedback.'

'No problem whatsoever.'

So there you have it.

In a roundabout way, another affirmation that what I am doing is absolutely right.

I mean, you should listen to people who earn pots of cash and live in notting hill, shouldn't you?

Writing time: 4 hours

Manifestation: endless

Day 41 - The Retreat part 1

OK, so I took a week off.

I justified not writing my blog during this time because a) it represented an unwelcome technological intrusion on my rural organic retreat in the Pyrenees and b) because I was trying to pull back from the front and just 'be' for a while.

I wanted to chat with my subconcious about the possibilities in life.

It worked.

So many crucial breakthroughs. My inner teacher awoke and I am writing as fluidly and effectively as I ever have.

There is a tangible sense of excitement in the air.

Off we set, myself and a friend, to the Pyrenees. Not for us an intoxicated bank holiday weekend taking advantages of the late licences and weekend spectaculars of London town. We were seeking something different, and we found it. The retreat, which manifested so sychronistically for us at the beginning of last week, just happened to be a plant dieting shamanic weekend of yoga, chi jung, walking, relaxation, floral baths, herbal remedies... and something called Ayahuasca. This was to keep us occupied in the evenings as it was a booze free exercise. More on that later.

So, nestling happily in a big farmhouse in the foothills of the Pyrenees near the market town of Foix, we began our induction into the Shamanic way. The intention? To experience the benefits mother nature provides but we so often overlook.

And of ocurse to seek further reassurance from our subconcious / an external body / god that this incredibly risky life path is the correct one.

To say the results were extraordinary would be an understatement of biblical proportions.

I have returned feeling truly at one with the universe, and very much ready and able to complete the task I have set myself.

The basic content of the days included some exercise, group discussions on the rigours of modern life, hopes, fears, and our philosophies on life. As far as these went, they were rewarding and illuminating as a group of 11 very different people shared their views.

And we would diet the plants as planned over the 5 day period.

All fairly simple stuff, and over the first 24 hours, I certainly felt I entered into a dream like state - the sun on the mountains, the relaxing chats and exercise and the company were totally void of pressure and stress and hugely beneficial.

But as we headed for night2, and our first Ayahausca session, I started to wander what this particularly famous plant would do for me. I have only really experienced chemically enhanced drugs in my time, as well as cocaine, which is probably chemically enhanced by the time it reaches my grubby hands. Weed has never done much for me. I find people boring on it and it sends me to sleep.

I sought the shaman's advice, which was basically a very mystical: 'let the plant do its work'.

I decided to let it go. The shaman was clearly not keen on trying to predict the results - they were different for everyone, apparently. But he did let slip that glimpsing the future was possible...

Which, let's face it, appeals.

To cut a long story short, my peruvian shot glass of liquified Ayahausca that night has quite possibly changed the course of my life.

Via a series of very vivid and tangible visions, it connected me to 3 key things. Actually 'connected' is too weak a phrase here. It infromed me of 3 key things. I don't now believe these things, I know them.

And what is knowledge?

Power.

Here they are:

1) the universe and mother nature provides you with everything you need in life. they will be here long before you and i are gone and they will prosper.

How did i learn this? I closed my eyes and was shown round planet earth by a shaman, who had previously featured as the village elder in indiana jones and the temple of doom. Mother nature spoke to me and explained that she had already been through the ice age and all that - it was no big deal. She also told me that we had the best deal so far... and if we wanted to fuck it up, that would be out of her hands, and she would be around to witness the rebirth and we wouldn't.

2) my writing activity is the dawn of a new era for me which is going to deliver everything i want, enable me to be myself for the first time in my life and prosper beyond my wildest dream.

How did i learn this? Because the shaman showed me, in technicolour, the 20 most beautiful sunrises the earth has ever seen and told me in no uncertain tewrms that they now represented the rest of my life. from here on out. serious.

3) the human brain is truly infinite and capable of completing any task we set it.

How do i know this? Because a serpent showed me around my brain. It looked like the colloseum, with a thousand doorways leading off it. But then the serpent hissed, telling me that this was the only part of my brain i was using. i inquired what she meant by that, as this image was clearly my entire brain.

The serpent giggled patronisingly, and hissed again.

Every door out of the thousand swung open. Behind each one was another colloseum, with a thousand doors in each one, leading to another thousand doors with thousand door colloseums behind them.

And so on. And on. And on.

The concept, the idea and the definition of 'infinty' revealed, right before my eyes.

Infinite ability and capability.

Religious, in the truest sense of the word.

So. A nice introduction to a very gentle, slightly psychedelic new experience. They were visions, but not like those you get on LSD. These visions meant something -they were realisations, not just pretty pictures. Proper stuff.

Awe inspiring in fact.

But softly softly... A beautiful experience, gob smacking too, but subtle at the same time. nothing brutal about it.

You get the picture.

Waking up the next morning felt like the first day of the rest of eternity, in which i will play the central role. And I have to say it feels good that all this is happening around my 30th birthday in a few weeks.

The manifestation in my life is currently so thick you could reach out and touch it.

Read more on The Retreat tomorrow - for further education from the very center of planet earth.

Writing time: n/a

Manifestation: 100%

Day 35-40 - Jack is on vacation

Day 35 - the energies of feedback

Had two great pieces of feedback yesterday.

One to this blog (which i have been worrying is becoming increasingly directionless) and one on all my current work (from guru).

It has refuelled me both spiritually and creatively.

It also reminds me that people do, periodically, actually find this blog and enjoy reading it.

It's weird, but just one person seems... enough. Obviously I want a lot more readers, but one is enough for now.

I have reached out and touched someone.

So thanks for the feedback!

I also seem to have reached out and touched someone who has introduced me to Islamic thought and belief (check out feedback to 'digesting the red pill' from last week). Not exactly my target market but they are welcome too.

But the feedback has encouraged me to return to source and re focus on manifesting my future as a best selling author on 20somethings.

So no more opinions - manifestation only.

I re watched 'What The Bleep Do We Know' over the weekend. Such a cool movie. Once you build up a hunger for something in life and start to make it your hobby / work / life, it's incredible the speed at which your brain can build a vat of knowledge. I mean, we spend 20 years in school with stuff bouncing off our heads cause we aren't interested in it, and then, Ping!, we get on to something and in days we are an authority - if you are genuinely excited by something I mean. The human brain rocks. Ever since I was first told about The Field by Lynne McTaggart, and watched The Secret and What The Bleep, the world just seems to make so much sense...

Here it is in a nutshell: All we are is energy. We are not separate at all. The universe is made up of particles, atoms, molecules, which are all energy, flowing freely between each one of us. Our energy vibrates, and our thoughts are energetic in themselves, and they transmit light. The universe itself will deliver directly correspondent lifestyle to whatever thought vibrations we as human beings give off. Our thoughts lead our actions and the universe responds. Master your thoughts and master your life.

I am watching it work every single day.

It's not some religious 'belief'. It's actually right there in front of our eyes - proof. All you need to do is follow the instructions all around you.

You don't even need to trust it after the first few days - because once you start doing it, you know it works.

The global explosion in self help and Kaizen (constant self improvement), is totally based on thoughts and philosophies that have been proven for centuries.

Karma and Dharma. The Huna of Being. Positive Thought. Fear as a friend.

They have all been around since time began.

How To Survive Your 20's will repackage these once more, because they work.

Obviously it will be packaged in my own unique brand of massive weirdness and absurdity, and written in the language of the 20something, but I am proud to carry these messages forward to the next generation.

Feedback is so good.

Thanks to both of you.

Go forth and sprinkle altruism liberally on life.

Writing time: 6 hours

Manifestation: 100%

PS: property saga due to come to a close today. At last. More tomorrow.

Days 33&34 - parents / finding what you love

Bit of a breakthrough on the weekend regards core message of How To Survive Your Twenties.

Mission statement / directive / strapline: Find what YOU love doing and pursue it at all costs.

Why is it that your parents provide the biggest opportunities and yet the biggest obstacles in life?

It means our whole lives are spent in this endless cycle of gratitude and guilt, trying to fulfil their expectations and then apologising for simply being ourselves.

My dilemma at the moment is that I genuinely want to spend time with my parents - I am lucky enough to enjoy it - but it's difficult because they are so worried about what I am doing with my life, which ends up seeping into every conversation we have, usually resulting in an argument. Such as the one which manifested while helping my mother lift a few boxes here and there this weekend. Ironically, it all stems from the fact that 99% of parents love their kids and just want to see them do well.

And that is 'do well' as in 'do OK', not do well as in change the world (even just a little bit). In fact they want the opposite.

But the most rewarding pathways are those where you can't see the destination.

Parents simply can't fully endorse a career path they know nothing about. Especially if they suspect you know nothing about it either, as was so palpably the case when yours truly embarked on present hair brained scheme (my knowledge and power increases daily, however).
Robin Sharma, a favourite writer of mine, says everyone should try and change the world once. Great idea. How about once a week?! Maybe once a month or year is more realistic. Imagine the difference.

Another of his pearls is 'it's risky out on a limb, but that's where all the fruit is'.

Beautiful.

One of the big things I have got recently is what an acute precedent your parents set over your future... without even realising it.

It's usually a positive precedent, but a limiting one.

And I'm wagering that it's a big problem for the development of 20somethings everywhere.

Although my parents think they might have good suggestions for a potential career path, they are invariably not synchronistic with what I want from life.

The conventions of yesteryear will be different for our generation. Although I agree property ownership should be a natural 'goal' (hate that word) for a 20something, I believe finding what you love doing and pursuing it at all costs should come way ahead.

Because that way you avoid the trappings of a life you don't love.

And where does a 20something hear that from? No one. It's just convention after convention after convention. Which supposedly results in happiness - but it's an illusion. It's actually making do with unhappiness.

It is a journey the 20something must take themselves, starting within. And so many of them never actually take that journey, because they been ticking, or have ticked, their parents boxes. And they never actually find what their own boxes are, let alone tick them...

Take a moment to consider how absurd that is.

It makes life tough when you are following your own path - because all you friends / relatives are probably ticking their parents boxes and that is all your parents see.

Of course, finding what you love doing and pursuing it is one of life's scariest tasks. But man, does it feel good. Totally alive.

But imagine how frightening it is for us, the 20something, to take that route... And then amplify that fear times 10 to get to where a parent feels about it. When they can't see all the work and development and progress on a daily basis.

Because I am living life outside the comfort zone, I automatically drag my close ones outside the zone as well. But I can't let that stop me.

Because if we think our parents would be proud of us when we've ticked all their boxes, imagine how proud they will be when we tick our boxes too.

Because only then will they be looking at a complete person.

From outside the zone, salvation is within reach. If I can just remain sober long enough to grab it...

How To Survive your 20's will be infused with this mission: for 20something's to find what they love. To live happily in fear, right outside the comfort zone.

That is how my humorous, slightly cynical take on self help can genuinely be of use to 20somethings everywhere.

Real happiness lies just the other side of that one simple task.

And wealth beyond reason will follow.

Writing time: 2hours

Manifestation: 90%

Day 32 - bikram bodies

I am nearing the completion of my 30 day Bikram yoga challenge.

At the end of Monday, I will have completed 45 hours of yoga in a room heated to 45degrees.

I feel leaner and fitter, and am positively gliding through life. Combined with my recent abstinence, it is not only fuelling my wellbeing but also feeding my creativity as the words flow.

It has undoubtedly been a positive exercise.

And not just because Elle McPherson goes to the same class. In fact she was even on the next door mat to me a couple of days ago.

Seriously though, I know this is probably blasphemous to most yogis, but Bikram does provide one of the best opportunities to meet and oggle women that I have ever come across. Because it is so hot in the room, the boys wear swimming trunks and the girls wear... well, not a lot. And everyone spends the entire 90 minutes writhing, sweating and groaning merely inches away from one another.

Am I the only person to find this a rather erotic way of getting my daily exercise? Or am I just a filthy little 20something, hormones raging and clearly lacking the emotinal maturity to use bikram for what it is intended - the union of mind, body and soul, as opposed to just straight forward weight loss?

Who cares?

Especially with the quality on display in my class today. Really quite incredibly fit birds were everywhere - all around the room. There are always a few old hags in there at the same time, or a few big boilers trying to shed some pounds, but in general the beauty on display is fantastic.

It really brightens up my day.

But more to the point, the poeple who go there are so agreeable. And I put this down to the fact that they are doing a form of yoga as their exercise as opposed to going to some gym full of lycra clad aerobics junkies listening to techno full blast on their i-pods. Even in the guys changing room at bikram, everyone sits down and talks after the class - just good friendly chat and a bit of a laugh. Where do you get that in a gym? All the blokmes are too busy preening in the mirrors, applying hair gel and plucking their eyebrows.

It's almost a complete role reversal from a few years ago.

But I digress. Back to the real reason to attend Bikram - fit women.

You see, girls who practice bikram are also really freindly. They are down to earth and seem keen to chat.

And after my successful one night stand with blonde alice on wednesday, i feel like getting back in the game.

I want to see more girls.

Actually, I guess what I am saying is I want to have sex more often. But also, i think seeing a few girls would take my mind off my work and off going out at night.

But due to my new life of abstinence, this is going to prove difficult, as the usual route of going to bars and picking up drunk birds isn't an option.

And nor is it particularly appealing.

One of my favourite writers, Nirpal Dhaliwal, often speaks of his ability as a mature man to pull birds without being drunk.

This is now my mission.

Where to start?

Hmmmm. Let me think.

Writing time: 3 hours

Manifestation: 85%

Day 32 - wednesday night alcoholism

Is it physically possible to go to a pub and have one drink only?

I'm not sure.

Flatmate and I last night ventured to our local pub. We had registered on Monday that there had simply not been enough boozing going on of late.

In fact, it was my first drink in nearly two weeks.

I feel very proud.

Cue conversation about exactly what constitutes alcoholism - a very real problem for 20somethings everywhere. There are apparently a set of questions we can ask ourselves to establish whether or not we have an alcohol problem.

"Have I ever woken up thinking 'I need a drink'?" is one of them.

Hmmmm. Let me think.

"Has anyone ever annoyed you by recommending you cut down on your drinking?" Is another.

The two blonde sisters we had the good fortune of sitting next to agreed that most of the people they knew, on these grounds, had an alcohol problem. What is it about London? It seems par for the course to get lashed Wednesday through Sunday. And when can a poor defenceless 20something, that most alone of people, identify when they are drinking too much?

For me it came a number of years ago when I finally realised that I was going to bars to drink rather than going to bars to meet friends. This realisation manifested in a panic attack one friday night when i was faced with an entire weekend of 'no plans'. I had been drinking heavily for a few years, and I realised how lonely i actually was in life. I simply didn't want to be where I was. And booze was the outlet. I would create reasons to hook up with people for a 'catch up', with the sole intention of getting completely wasted. Pretty soon I developed a small group of people who are interested in doing precisely the same thing. Following that, I no longer had to create a reason - we just got on with the job in hand. But in reality, there was nothing wrong with where I was, or my life.

But alcohol made it feel like there was.

Tribal pull is almost irrisistable. That group of people I built up around me are now my friends. And resisiting the temtapation of seeing them is proving most difficult. Doing what I am doing requires nothing less than 100% functionality in order to produce the quality of work that I need to. Friends can simply fly at half mast for a day a week. I cannot.

And just a few pints last night have dulled my creativity to such an extent that I am considering a prolonged period of abstinence.

Tonight there is another party. But I am not going.

How To Survive Your 20's will only manifest as a bestseller if I allow myself time out from the tribe.

It is the key to my future.

What I am doing right now is precisely what I will expeirence tomorrow and every day after that.

So no more partying for this boy.

We concluded that London was a town built for the alcoholic. 24 hour licensing laws, the climate and the pub culture represent huge temptation for the urban 20something.

I have written off the evening as 'research'. I must become an authority on such matters.

The conversation wrapped up quite nicely with blonde1, Alice, inviting me back to hers for a nightcap, which i thought most kind.

First one night stand of the year actually - such fun.

Writing time: 5 hours

Manifestation: 85%

Day 31 - sceptics and believers

There are 2 types of people on this planet.

Spectators and players.

But 2 more interesting groups are sceptics and believers.

What differentiates a sceptic and a believer?

Ignorance, I think.

But ignorance is such an ugly word. The human condition it represents is something to be suffered, not sported. Yet the bravado with which some people can display their ignorance can sometimes match the word for unpleasantness.

How do you open someone's eyes to something they have never experienced, and cannot touch, taste or smell? Especially when you care about the person so much that it becomes a mission in life to introduce them to this new possibility.

Last night I took two of my best friends to a talk about the Landmark Forum, an event which now holds real prominence in my past, and will forever shape my present and future. I also took my sister, who loved it.

But Friend1 is a fund manager. And Friend2 is a stockbroker. Both rich young men.

One got it. One didn't.

Words aside, that is the impression I got - that is the perception they created.

Some things in life are so real, and so tangible, yet so difficult to grasp, that all your usual behavioural instincts such as sarcasm, humour and flippancy are exposed for being exactly what they are - shields of ignorance.

And in this precise instance, nothing fails like success.

How can a sceptic be turned?

I think it's by showing them how operating as a believer is always the winning way to play. In fact, it's the only way to play.

But to show this you must first explain that the above pathway to success is very, very real. And the problem with doing that is the pathway has nothing to do with society's conventional methods of equating success. Money. Power. Job title. Status. It's almost impossible to convey to a person who has achieved these things without establishing a spiritual identity how meaningless they really are.

And how meaningful something can be that you have to simply experience rather than purchase, indulge in etc.

And that's the thing. Sceptics have to know before they believe.

To them, Knowing is trusting.

But trust has nothing to do with knowledge.

And to be on the field of play is to trust all around you until that trust is abused.

That is why it is so intimidating being out there. So frightening.

And rewarding.

That is why the stands are full of sceptics, and the field of play full of believers.

Sceptics, by definition, cannot be players.

And that is why so few people in this world who think they are happy in the stands, never experience the ecstacy of being on the field of play.

Belief is real. And it transforms the dull to the bright, the bright into the shining, and the shining into the incandescent...

I won't stop standing for it.

Or my pals.

Writing time: 5 hours

Manifestation: 100%

Day 30 - progress audit

So, we reach 30 days. 6.5 weeks away from the deadline i have set myself - to have a book deal by my 30th birthday.

Time to take stock of exactly how the manifestation of my future as a bestselling author is going.
I am giving myself...

6.5 out of 10.

That may seem harsh. But the reality is I need to step up the pace.

Writing a book, especially a new kind of book (tongue in cheek self help), requires a unique format. Something that hasn't really been done before. And the truth is I have only just hit on that format - it came to me in a flash of light on my weekend of biblical sized breakthoughs.

And thus the content I have created thus far needs to be reformatted and to a certain extent re-written. But such is life - and I will look back upon this and laugh when i walk past waterstone's / barnes and noble and see How To Survive Your 20's twinkling in the window.

I have also realised that I have been dragging my heels somewhat in terms of market feedback - i need to get this blog out there, and i need to create impact and expectation with publishers that will prepare them for finding this, their book of the year. To enable me to do this, I have enrolled in a course over the next 10 weeks designed to get me in front of publishers.

Anyway, enough of the auditing.

How is Landmark sinking in?

Well, I am starting to realise certain behavioural patterns that have been around for as long as I can remember... And more importantly, I know where they came from and why they have manifested over and over again in my life. I can pin down the precise moment when I adapted my most prevalent patterns.

You want to know what these behavioural suits are, when the moment was and what caused it? More on that later.

Throughout yesterday and last night, and dare I say it this morning, right now, as i watch the sun come up over the cemetary i live next to, there is also a feeling of calm. So many people have now told me that I am doing the right thing with my life, that I am finally starting to believe it myself. I have always had the inner belief that 'I can do this', but it has always been tempered with 'but does that mean i should be doing it in this way?'.

I think I now know the answer is yes - because i am already doing it and it feels right. The investment in my future is as authentic as any. I know now I have the integrity and ability to make this happen in a big way.

It also helps that this is my 15th morning without a hangover. There seems to be a pattern emerging. Sobriety breeds rabbit warrens of progress.

The question is: How far down the rabbit hole do I want to go?

I suspect quite far.

But the real impact of Landmark will surely be seen over the coming weeks. The final installment comes tonight at the wrap seminar.

I am looking forward to it.

Writing time: 6 hours

Manifestation: 97%

Days 27, 28, 29 - finally digesting the red pill

Probably best to start with a full scene from The Matrix, constantly referred to over the past 3 days:

Morpheus: I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice. Tumbling down the rabbit hole?

Neo: You could say that.

Morpheus: I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he's expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?

Neo: No.

Morpheus: Why not?

Neo: 'Cause I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

Morpheus: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know, you can't explain. But you feel it. You felt it your entire life. That there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there. Like a splinter in your mind -- driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Neo: The Matrix?

Morpheus: Do you want to know what it is? (Neo nods his head.)

Morpheus: The Matrix is everywhere, it is all around us. Even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, or when go to church or when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Neo: What truth?

Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you cannot smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind. (long pause, sighs) Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back.

Morpheus: You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. Remember - all I am offering is the truth, nothing more.

Neo takes the red pill.

And thus concluded the Landmark Forum.

It's probably still a bit early to fully assess Landmark. I only left the last of 30 odd hours of large scale introspection, self analysis and group human awareness an hour ago.

But I wanted to fess up a bit of detail as I haven't blogged for a few days and haven’t been sleeping well recently.

I have the time.

Here it is in a nutshell: everything we are is a result of stories we have told ourselves about what actually happened in our lives. And every mannerism and idiosyncrasy, every charming feature, enduring principal, filthy habit and blood curdling secret we have is a direct result of all the events, circumstances and situations we have experienced.

So what did I want to get out of the Landmark Forum?

Well, I wanted to know if I am doing the right thing. Essentially ignoring a return to a conventional career in aid of following my path and seeing where it leads. And I wanted to know if that pathway was going to lead me to where I want to go.

I got that.

The answer is a simple, and slightly dismissive 'yes - I am doing the right thing'.

But here's the thing: it doesn't actually matter.

Pause. Let that cook in the silence.

It doesn't matter.

Because it's meaningless. It doesn't actually exist. i.e. Whatever / wherever I hope it might lead to is just a fanciful, fantastical and downright ridiculous barometer of success that I have created as a result of all the things that have happened and things I have been told.

You see, where I think the pathway may lead doesn't actually exist. I may achieve some of my dreams. But I won't achieve these in the future. Because when I get there and achieve those dreams it will be now, not then. And then it will instantly be in the past, and if there is one thing less significant or real than the future and the present, it's the past.

My future is in my hands, right now.

Because the only form of control I have over my future is what I am doing right now - at this precise moment.

If you are not enjoying right now, you won't enjoy whatever the future sends you.

The parallels with The Matrix are clear.

People convince themselves they are happy. They create an existence, via the stories they tell themselves, the standards they set, and a certain level of application to this 'reality' delivers a modicum of stability and prosperity which, according to the conventional criteria used to equate success, instils 'happiness'.

But these people, unfortunately, are not really alive. They're sort of dead.

Because they are in The Matrix. They're on the treadmill.

Because they are not helping anyone and we all need to ensure our existence, however meaningless, means something to someone (that’s what my voices are telling me).

There are moments in the Landmark Forum when I felt something... wonderful. Things that had been absent from my life for quite some time.

Compassion. Romance. Altruism.

Forgiveness on an epic scale.

There were moments that inspired. That alone in this cynical world was worth the investment.

And there was one blissful, crystal clear, spellbinding moment when I realised that it was all meaningless bullshit. Everything in life. What I want to do. What god intends for me. What my parents want me to do. What I am going to do. What I might have done. And obviously, what I have done.

How did this moment manifest? When I finally realised that I have been operating on the field of play for some time now - maybe my whole life.

I am a player.

I may not have won any major medals yet, but in this meaningless existence, so void of anything important, at least I am creating meaning, (even meaning that means something to me alone), by simply being on the field of play. Because why does it matter that something is meaningless? Just because everything is meaningless and we all are born and die with nothing, doesn’t justify doing nothing forever.

So I choose to live an existence that means something to me. And to those I surround myself with. My friends and family (i love you, by the way).

And that ain't meaningless. Not to me, or them.

And I know that How To Survive Your 20’s In One Piece will be useful and meaningful to some people. And I know it will be published and I know it will be a bestseller.

See, the risk I am living out every day is not that dangerous at all. In fact, what feels like being ‘out of the comfort zone’ is actually to float and bounce across a massive cloud of safety – safety in the knowledge that I have escaped The Matrix and am living my life.

If I still worked at the company that unceremoniously fired my ass in June 2006, and I was struck by lightning tomorrow, I know for a fact I would burn to death cursing and spitting that I wasted my last days in a mirrored tower in canary wharf at the beck and call of an evil regime running one of the biggest rackets this world has ever seen. I've seen rackets and I've seen rackets (more on rackets in the coming weeks) but surely there is no bigger cartel / racket / front than big business.

But having worked for the past few months as this blog details, and if the same bolt struck me at the same time tomorrow?

I’d fry with my fists clenched and aloft in victory, a smile on my face, published or unpublished, with nothing more than a large debt to my wonderful father keeping me from completeness on this earth.

Because my life is already happening.

Because I am not in the stands. Not in the matrix.

If there was one other thing that I wanted to get from the forum, it was final confirmation that if I carry on playing, carry on applying myself as I am doing and putting myself about on the field of play, that I can actually do what this blog promises.

And the beautiful answer, the answer that I already knew, is 'yes'.

You know why I can do it?

Because I already I am.

How do I know that?

Because I took the red pill a long time ago.

And what does that make me?

Neo.

I’m Neo.

And as we all know, Neo can do anything.

I really got that.

Writing time: zero

Manifestation: 1000%

PS: Thank you to all at Landmark Education - you do amazing work and have an awesome product. And a big thank you to every other person on the forum - thanks for putting up with my convoluted urban conflict for 3 whole days! Relativity aside, my problems pale in comparison to many people's and I got that, and wish you all the very best on the road to completion.

Day 26 - the huna of being

OK, the property saga may be about to come to a close.

It looks like the school leavers from Foxtons have finally managed to negotiate closure on the sale of my property. Cue massively more creative and cutting edge existence in hammersmith grove, recent murders aside one of london's coolest addresses.

It seems that the length of the whole process may have worked in my favour. You see, i agreed on the price for the new property over 6 weeks ago. During which time, the london property market has, depending on who you listen to, gone up by anything betweeen 1and3%, fuelled by bonus wielding, strung out city boys who are buying flats without even viewing them!

A few final negotiations over the next few days and the whole sorry deal should finally be done. 10 months start to finish!

The estate agent selling me the new pad, the rather equine clarissa, also tells me i have got a bit of a bargain. I can smell profit in the air - at last i may accumulate some money.

After all, the unpublished writers game is hardly lucrative.

A bit of property wheeler dealing will restore some balance.

Speaking of balance, the ancient Hawaiian Kahuna tribe developed a triangle, or cycle, of human 'states' which they moved constantly between.

They called it the 'huna of being'.

The 3 states of human existence are 'having', 'being' and 'doing'.

I had a long discussion yesterday about where I should try and live within this triumvirate of activities.

'Doing' is achieving. Working, fulfilling your purpose and investing in the future.

'Having' is enjoying the fruits of your labour. Partying, spending time with family or friends.

'Being' is simply taking time out to recharge - putting yourself on pause. This might be meditation, yoga, exercise, or simply sitting still.

So whereabouts should I be?

The answer, my learned friend tells me, is moving constantly between the 3, doing what is necessary, but always readdressing the balance to ensure an even distribution of my time.

I like it. It appeals.

Tell me 'you need balance' and boredom sets in.

But tell me about the hawaiian kahuna tribe's huna of being and my ears prick up. What can i say? i am a marketing man's wet dream.

I am developing a modified huna of being for the 20something which will include euch states as 'comatose', 'lashed', 'recovery' and 'discovery'. More on that later.

Yesterday was also spent in apprehension of forthcoming 3 days in a room of self helpers. But the time is nigh and i am taking the leap.

Landmark here i come.

Will report back as always.

x

Writing time: 5 hours

Manifestation: 90%

Day 25 - landmark decision?

OK. In a bid to lay the last of my demons to rest just 6 weeks before my 30th birthday, I am attending the Landmark Forum this weekend.

Apparenty it's very popular with 29 year olds about to hit the big 3-0.

I have not been in such a dillemma about something for a long time, but have decided my fear of it dictates I must tackle it head on.

Why am I doing it?

Well, a friend of mine who was in nearly as big a mess as I was a few years back, did Landmark and swears it was one of the best decisions of his life. 3 others I know have strongly recommended that I do it. He literally turned his life around after it. And so much of their product seems aimed to conquer areas of my life that are still problematic - decision making (i.e whether or not to go out on the lash or not), blockages (do I tell someone I love them or leave it?), relationships (how to have one would be a good start), addiction (any of a number of things) and productivity (if i want this book deal by my 30th birthday i need to step up the pace).

After extensive web research, opinion on Landmark is hugely divided.

It is clearly one of the most popular human learning seminars in the world - it is now a global business.

But it is banned in france. They believe it to be some form of cult or sect. And cults and sects are strange things. But so are the French. Austria also consider it a sect. But that is the birthplace of adolf hitler. One kid in North America went missing and commited suicide shortly after attending Landmark.

But people go missing every day. Maybe Landmark simply persuaded this guy there was actually no real need to return to his abusive family?

Another Landmark student form Colorado killed his postman shortly after attending class... But people in Colorado kill each other every day from what I can work out.

I guess my biggest fear is that Landmark will be the first big group awareness stuff I have done. And it will be the culmination of all this self stuff and therapy i have undertaken in the past few years. And i guess that i am scared of opening up in a big group of people.

A friend of mine says mysteriously on landmark: 'Play the game. When the time comes, make the phone calls'.

I can only assume he means calling people who i need to apologise to? Or declare my undying love for after a moment of realisation? All I can say is he must be joking. My family for starters, who are owed any number of apologies, already think i am slightly mad. In my family, anyone who does not have a job that brings in a regular monthly income and keeps you at a desk between 8am and 7pm is certifiably, clinically insane. I think the precise opposite. And an emotional phone call from some seminar that they think is nuts will not help matters.

And likewise, the small matter of love has never been something I intended to resolve in front of 180 other people.

I guess i am also scared that Landmark will take my edge off. I don't necessarily want to love everyone and everything, to be so at one witht the world, so completely in the moment, that i realise nothing material in this world matters at all and thus lose my own unique brand of opinionated, ambitious vitriol! I am a writer and i need my edge. I like being moody and hating things.

But in truth I hate less and less. Hate is negativity and negativity is the enemy. Positive thoughts only in my increasingly mastered mind.

I am definitely dreading the prospect of spending 3 12 hour days in a room with a bunch of happy clapping self awareness freaks who get to know all my most pathetic, wretched, innermost secrets.

But maybe they won't be freaks. Maybe they will be just like me!

Completely normal.

Landmark say: “We have a requirement that people must be emotionally stable at that time to participate in our programs.”

I think I am emotionally stable.

Most of the time.

Here goes nothing.

Writing time: 7 hours

Manifestation: 85% due to slight confidence issue brought on by red wine fug from previous night. Maybe Landmark will enable me to simply say 'no' to that type of dalliance.

Day 23 - ugly memories

During a day of quality writing, I have made a breakthrough on the overall direction of 'How To Survive Your 20's In One Piece'.

The book is constructed around an A-Z glossary of things we are likely to encounter in our 20's.

But to what extent should these things be dealt with? How do I want the reader to feel after they have read my views on topics as big as stress, debt, marriage, mortagages and love?

Do I want to be a self help guru? Or do I want to do tell my story how it is and let people draw their own conclusions on life from 20-29?

I read a couple of books over the weekend by young guys writing about their lives. The first was by the alcoholic nightlife journalist Tom Sykes, called 'What did I do last night?', about his escapades as a journalist who is plied with free alcohol from the minute he starts his working life.

The second was 'A Million Little Pieces' by James Frey, about a true degenerate's recovery from chronic addicition to everything under the sun.

Sykes's book is an enjoyable read. It starts with his expulsion from Eton and continues on an amiable romp through his 20's, during which time he happily consumes most substances that are put in front of him and goes completely off the rails, while just about managing to hold some sort of career together reviewing clubs, pubs, bars, parties and social circutis in New York and London. He is fired from the Evening Standard and GQ, and eventually from the New York Post. His account is believable and not unlike my own experiences is many ways. But I got the feeling throughout that Sykes held back - that he couldn't quite admit some of the really bad and embarrasing things he had done. Maybe he simply can't remember much of the details... And it suffers because of that.

Frey's book, 'A Million Little Pieces' is an alarming read about a crackhead, which begins with his parents driving him to rehab as he drinks wine from the bottle in the back of their car. He has a hole in his cheek and needs major dental reconstruction. The book is a highly unpleasant experience from start to finish. It is genuinely shocking, and enlightening on the subject of addiction, without ever being truly inspiring. Furthermore, the book starts by admitting that not everything is true within - that some facts are embellished (but Frey only admitted this after people in New York had outed his story as innacurate). For this reason you don't know where you stand with Frey. And thus his own story as the writer lacks credibility.

So, Sykes wins. Even if his story is a bit like Roald Dahl's 'Boy', but dipped in a vodka martini.

SO...

Where do I go with 'How To Survive Your 20's'?

How do I avoid the everydayness of Sykes, while remaining far more credible than Frey?

After all, I want to market myself properly through this book. I want to be on Oprah as the authority on 20somethings. I must stand up as witness of integrity.

The answer I think, is simple: it needs to be brutally honest.

And it needs to be utterly infused with my own experience. Every detail of every fuck up, every video nasty, every embarrassing failure and excessive success needs to be in those pages. Because that's what has been interesting about my life - the heady highs and the unbearable lows.

But that is tough - I am ashamed of many of the twists and turns. And as I write, the voices in my my head cry 'you can't write that!'. These voices, of course, are not my own. They are the voices of my sainted parents, who have afforded me every opportunity in life and will be finding much of the content out for the first time.

It will be tough reading for many who are close to me, but out of the comfort zone I must climb.

I think that, combined with my newfound pragmatism as a mature 29 year old, is where the answer lies.

That is what will ensure I eclipse both Sykes and Frey as the creator of a classic.

Writing time: 6 hours

Manifestation: 100%

Days 21&22 - quality manifestation

The weekend, bar a minor nightcap on friday and a few glasses of wine yesterday afternoon, was spent quietly manifesting my future as a writer and authority on 20somethings everywhere.

It was good to see the Sunday Times promoting the new phenomenon of 'blooks' - blogs that develop into books... The manifestation was so thick I could reach out and touch it...

Taking in the newspapers as you might expect on a quiet weekend, gave me the opportunity to catch up on celebrity happenings around the world. If celebs are anything to go on, the current level of addiciton among 20somethings must be at an all time high. I counted no fewer than 10 current high profile rehab stints, being led admirably from the front by the newly shaven headed britney spears.

It's interesting to note that 'exhaustion' is now listed as the major reason for entering rehab!

The poor celebs are so exhausted by their chauffeur driven, endorsment funded, sushi fuelled lifestyles that a spell in the clinic is the only way to prepare themselves for the next bout of luxury bingeing.

Exhaustion is the new uber addiction. It is now the state one might find oneself in when one is addicted to so many different things, so many prescription uppers and downers, cocaine and ecstasy driven nights, money, sex and fame, that one simply comes to an abrupt halt.

But what of the normal 20something who is force fed this crap on a daily basis by a complacent, stale crop of media titles forced to invent celebrities just to fill their pages?

The rest of us need reminding that our lives are a) more meaningful, b) much more difficult, and c) should not be aspirant to this type of empty existence.

I had dinner the other night with a friend of mine who is newly married. He gets up at 6.30am, is at his desk for 8, and does not get home until 9pm. He is too busy to take a lunch break. He looked thin, tired and, worst of all, clearly hates his job. He is in that income bracket too good to turn own but not enough to really make a difference - and he has a huge mortgage and a wife to support. We discussed my new path and, without ramming it down his throat, I suggested he prioritise finding a job he enjoyed, seeing as he was spending 95% of his waking hours at work.

He resisted, saying he was fulfilling the role of 'man'. This is just how it was.

I feel bad for him.

The 20something is so concerned by their next paycheck, by the mortgage and the conventions they must conform to that they are actually prepared to forgoe the enjoyment of life.

How did it come to this?

I blame parents. And the proliferation of the money orientated celebrity dream into every corner of our lives.

But my lunch partner yesterday has a more revolutionary view on the whole thing.

Apparently, we (humanity / the universe), are leaving the piscean age and entering the aquarian age.

The Piscean age was male driven, and manifested in the kind of ridiculous pressures suffered by my aforementioned friend, and also was fiercely competitive and self centred.

Whereas the Aquarian age will see mankind help his neighbour, care for the planet, dispel convention and see the continued rise of womankind everywhere.

Bravo, I say.

My new, spiritual path dictates that I embrace such views and wholeheartedly believe in them.

It fits perfectly with everything promoted by The Secret - the power of positive thought, especially on a global scale, will see us through in the end.

The future may not be as bleak for my friend as I fear.

Writing time: 6 hours over w/e

Manifestation: 95%

Day 20 - liam, noel, tone, and dave

I really love the gallagher brothers. In fact, I seem to be manifesting my future as a gallagheresque social commentator.

My area of expertise? The 20something.

I am probably more liam than noel.

But on politics, noel is king. and politics seems to be my subject of the week.

Noel says: 'for me, politics is like football. i may not like the new striker but it doesn't mean i start supporting another team'.

Which represents precisely the moral dichotomy i find myself in about david cameron.

Surely if this man ever has spinal surgery it will be to put one in? Why can't he just be himself? Many of the best leaders and auteurs this century have been old etonians. Why does dave fear this persona so?

Why try and be a man of the people when you are not?

We want to know who YOU are not who you want to be!

But there is the problem. Dave has no idea who dave is. And it is not his fault. The modern politician has to be whatever wins votes from day one, thus their whole persona is invented by spin doctors and opinion polls - being yourself is an arch crime.

Take patrick mercer, the poor bugger who cameron sacked last week for simply portraying publicly the racist monikers that will forever infuse military life. The lillied liver that is cameron dropped him like a hot potato, in a spine chilling public display of weakness the likes of which i have not seen since john major was in power. Imagine it! you give your coountry 25 years prolific service before becoming a tory MP, and when you finally speak out on a sensitive issue you get fired! i mean, just because the man told the truth does not mean he has an army of cotton picking slaves waiting to wipe his arse every time he takes a shit at his coutryside plantation!!!

Get a grip dave, or the voters will for you.

Cameron, who is currently making the headlines for simply renovating the basement of his notting hill 2up2down, needs a big reality check, or he risks becoming something even worse than TB: a lib dem PM, trying to please labour voters, while all the while moving further away from simply who he actually is, and who we all really want to know - the real dave cameron. (a half pint tory midbencher? we suspect so, but who knows, for god's sake?!).

But back to more influential and honest figures of public life. People who will really stand the test of time. After 6 brilliant albums, Oasis are up there with the stone roses, the rolling stones, primal scream and the beatles as one of GB's best ever bands. But in the early days, they were plagued by accusations of plagiarism.

In 1998, Liam's brilliant response was:

"Call me this, call me that, i couldn't give a fuck. I know for a fact that we are the real fucking deal. They've not seen the likes of it ever. Not for 20, 30, or 40 years. I'm on about ever."

Who can argue with that 8 years on?

And what politician can say that nowadays? They should all be ashamed of themselves. Recent great leaders like thatcher and clinton must be desperately dissapointed.

I am off to watch my first ever boxing match in 6 weeks for my 30th birthdy in Las Vegas. combined with a friend of mine's bachelor party, we are going to see oscar de la hoya vs floyd mayweather at he mgm grand.

It's billed as the best fight ever to be staged.

De la Hoya, a hugely intelligent and inspring man and the best pound for pound fighter ever, will face the brilliant and arrogant Mayweather, unarguably the biggest thing ever to hit boxing and still unbeaten.

Boxing is sick, but it is real. There is no messing around. Nowhere to hide.

I think about these two men, who i will have the priviledge to watch and pray for. Surely it will be an historic occasion and an epic sporting event to tell my father and grandchildren about in reverential tones.

And then i think of blair vs. cameron.

Nothing more than a WWF predetermined wrestling match of mediocrity, resided over and owned by rupert murdoch.

For god's sake, give us something to believe in.

As a modern 20something i am desperate for it.

And so are liam and noel - national treasures the pair of them.

Writing time: 7 hours

Manifestation: 100%

Day 19 - the provinces of freedom

After a morning of constant, productive, hangover free writing (for the 4th morning running), I took a trip to a provincial town just outside London to sign the papers to complete my super sized re-mortgage at a solicitor.

None of the establishments at which I was educated prepared me for the rigours of rolling my debts into one loan by re-mortgaging. It has taken 6 months and cost me thousands.

Indeed, a lawyer was needed, such were the depths of financial woe. In fact, signing in their presence for such a large sum of money brought me out in a cold sweat.

It was one of the moments in life where everything is brought to life in an instant, and I realised in a series of colourful but blurred flashbacks quite how much money i have invested in my endless pursuit of wrongery over the years.

Debt, I am informed by advertising guru friend, is now the single biggest worry for 20somethings everywhere. 1 in 4 20somethings have no conifidence whatsoever they will ever get out of it.

Doctors start work with up £60k of debt! The average law student passes the bar with £15k. Normal people from normal universities brainlessly accrue credit cards and debts before there first act out in the real world - declaring themselves bankrupt.

And your average pisshead bon viveur who can't quite support his lavish lifestyle can get to... well, a hell of a lot, let me tell you. But anyway, my visit to the solicitor sees a new financial era begin, with manageable repayments of all debts including mortgage.

I feel like a new man.

Debt is that most pressing of issues for the 20something.

It is easily passed off as 'an investment in my future', but for many turns into the defining, wretched influence in their life, and is thus written all over their actions and their lives.

The ease with which credit and loans are acquired needs proper examination. Virgin's current advertising campaign, encouraging young people to 'say yes' to credit, is among the most predatory and unsavoury i have seen. It seems to promise a kind of social and fashion nirvana, a complete lifestyle upgrade.

But in reality, the opposite is true. The more grizzled 20somethings amongst us will tell you that debt can bestow an armageddon like feeling on young people.

It's too bad this government seems concerned only with increasing the debts of 20somethings as opposed to helping them make the correct choices in life.

How To Survive Your 20's In One Piece is one book that will be reading the riot act on the current debt scenario for young people everywhere.

I have the government in my sights today.

My book will be so widely read i must not neglect to use it as a proper platform for soical improvements long overdue.

As opposed to a neat outlet for my daily need to distribute toilet humour.

Writing time: 4 hours due to provinical jaunt

Manifestation: 95%

Day 18 - my new identity

I've been studying a few writers in a bid to find my true role as the author of 'How to Survive Your Twenties'.

Pat Dollard, featured in the March Edition of Vanity Fair, must be one of the most cutting edge artists alive today. If he can stay sober long enough to complete his film Young Americans, about 20someting US marines serving in Iraq, it will surely be huge. Dollard's goal is to de-sensitise the mindless MTV / Abercrombie and Fitch generation to violence by making Americans serving in Iraq into heroes, not villains. A former Hollywood agent, he is now a true champion of conservative America and Dubya has started to infuse his speeches with Dollard's slogans. He is straight out of the Hunter S Thompson mould of gonzo journalism. Unfortunately, he is in and out of rehab for a nasty addiction to crystal meth, is going blind and has recently returned to Baghdad and not been heard from for a while. He also has a penchant for making amateur porn and 4 ex wives in tow... something tells me he could be on a fairly terminal path.

But I like him. He is genuine. He's so sick of all the neo liberal bullshit in his country that he is daring to take a stand - and is winning, in liberal Hollywood of all places.

Nirpal Dhaliwal in the Evening Standard yesterday was lifting the lid on the real, street level effects of middle class drug use. He wrote of poor Jamaican women forced to carry lethal amounts of cocaine in their stomachs, and of impoverished Vietnamese tricked into coming to the UK to manage marijuana houses - farms where the drug is grown and manufactured. He quotes the Colombian president, who says every gram of cocaine sold is tainted in blood.

I like Dhaliwal's writing enormously. He has a conscience but is funny, human, bitchy and bitter about his issues. He loves to fight the ethnic corner and is unafraid, just like Dollard.

He also suggests (or hints at, without fully endrosing this route) that leagalising drugs in some way might help to cure the above problems.

I would go a step further.

For the 20something, Tony Blair's lasting, most visible legacy in power (apart from his iraq project) is looking very likely to be casinos on every street corner in the UK, with a few 'super casinos' dotted here and there. Presumably these are for when a small casino simply isn't enough to fuel our burgeoning gambling addiction, and we want a really big night out at the tables squadering our hard earned cash, or burning our all too easily acquired credit.

And it is interesting to see his wife, Cherie, spouting off just across the page from Dhaliwal's article in the Standard, saying that criminals should now be given the chance to meet their victims, apologise to them and then get off scott free!!!

It strikes me that Cherie might very well be on drugs herself (She often looks like she is). Presumably this new method of deterrence is also conveniently designed to combat Tony's other big legacy - our ridiculously overcrowded prisons.

The drug problem among teens and 20somethings, in fact all age groups, is rife. As long as drugs are illegal, the chain of supply and demand will remain ungoverned and hugely dangerous for everyone involved - the police, the users, the mules, the manufacturers - even the wretched dealers! How can the poor blighters ever say sorry under cherie's new scheme if they've been shot in the head by one of her husband's trigger happy coppers?

In light of the clear failure of the war on drugs, surely it would be better for a young person to get their e's from somewhere that had passed them as 'safe'? Would a regular heroin user not be better off as a registered addict and be able to buy safer smack from the government? (Mind you, the governement have shown no inclination to make gambling any safer - maybe they would be happy to stick with poorly manufactured drugs if it earns more cash).

You could call the new business 'Tone and Cherie's crackden'.

Or hang on... maybe just sell the drugs directly from all the new casinos?!!

They seem to enjoy endorsing gambling, so why not drugs too?

And seeing how fond we all know young Euan is of a good night out, surely Cherie would rather he purchased his pills from a more reputable source than Coldharbour Lane, Brixton?

I challenge Dhaliwal to bring this idea to the government's attention. After all, they could earn big money from it and that seems to be there primary motivation.

And there are doubtless a ton of private equity firms who would be keen to get in on the act in hope of eventual privatisation.

Step one could be asking Cherie to lead the charge in legalisation... she could organise for all the convicted drug dealers to say a heartfelt 'sorry pal' to all their former customers... they would all then be released from her majesty’s accommodation, never to offend again - ('its a highly trained workforce, ready to start immediately!' i can hear tony exclaiming excitedly over a glass of chablis)... and go and work for the government, in the new civil service department 'Provision of Gambling and Class A Drugs'.

There could be even a big statue of Tony and a maniacally smiling Cherie outside.

Now that's what I call a real legacy, eh Tony?

Anyway, I digress.

Dollard and Dhaliwal represent the best kind of artists. They stand up up for something, regardless of how it will go down.

I think I'll take the best bits of both of them and become the Dollard / Dhaliwal of self help.

How To Survive Your 20's, by someone who only just did.

Sounds splendid.

I am feeling deeply passionate about what I do.

Writing time: 8 hours

Manifestation: 100%

Day 17 (cont) - in search of a normal, decent estate agent

Awesome feedback from writing guru on project and life. Words of blissful genius quite literally fell out of me onto my computer all afternoon.

Feeling so strong about this.

But - an exhausting day, full of typical nonsense that the modern 20something has to deal with.

The property ladder in London has, according to the newspapers, finally gone mad. 8 people are now trying to buy every home on the market. My indecision on what to do over my flat needs to come to an end. The school leavers from fucking foxtons are some of the shiftiest, most compromised people i have ever met. Not only have i had tears from one of the their 'sales negotiators' but her boss, who appears to be about 10 years old, then tried to emotionally blackmail me into taking a lower price. I held out and we got an improved offer, way over asking price, even if it meant the grommet like woman wouldn't receive her commission for another month.

Am i supposed to be upset about this?

Please! This is 2007. Sell the house, keep your client (me) happy, and get your poxy commission.

Don't, and you won't. Get over your pathetic role in life! It's not my fault you have chosen an existence at the bottom of the social and professional food chain.

Anyway, they now have a bigger fee, and i now have a better price, thanks to nothing more than a bit of good old fashioned backbone.

Added to this, the purchasing of the new place in heavenly position in hammersmith grove, is taking on the kind of operational pressure and logisitics usually reserved for hostile FTSE100 takeovers. As if it was not enough to be crafting a best selling novel, i now have a histrionic, upper class estate agent called clarissa to deal with.

Horrifying.

Added to this, I am still processing the dregs of the weekend. My liver hurts and my kidneys are pounding.

And the cherry on the cake is the ongoing, hopelessly complex and exhausting life negotiations with parents, who are safely half the world away in the southern hemisphere, thank god.

I am off to Bikram yoga to oggle bikini clad babes and sweat out the remnants of my gargantuan consumption on Sunday.

Roll on tomorrow - Wednesday is my most productive day of the week, namely because it is the day that resides far enough away form last weekend and not too close to next weekend.

I have a new mantra: "I am more than I appear to be. All the world's strength and power rests in me".

Powerful stuff.

Writing time: 5 hours due to sly, pompous, useless estate agents

Manifestation: 98% the fuckers won't get to me or my manifestation

Day 17 - in search of identity

I am still waiting for feedback on the first completed chapter of How To Survive Your Twenties In One Piece - I have a slot booked for 15.00 today which should reveal much...

I am worried i may have an awful lot of work to do.

But yesterday proved to be fruitful, despite tiredness from the weekend.

I spent most of the day picking subjects and developing prose for chapters 2(the b's)&3(the c's), and have hit upon something that is holding me back.

Who do I want to be to my reader? Do I want to be a guru like figure and clearly promote all of my different experiences and advice? Or do I want to pitch myself as a sympathetic figure - someone who has been chewed up and spat out throughout his 20's and now wants to share?

I could do both I think.

But how can I be a guru? I still have no real control over my own life, let alone be in a position to offer others advice on the subject.

When reading the prose I have created thus far, there is a fine line between offering simple advice and preaching. I think this, added to the fact that my life is hardly complete and secure at the moment, is stopping me from creating top quality work.

A solution has been offered, by a guru like figure in my life.

They have suggested I do the Landmark Forum. This is a 3 day seminar designed to raise self awareness and may enable me to find my best possible path. If it does what it says on the tin, I think it may be of huge help to me in manifesting HTSY20's in good time and thus leading my best possible life.

We shall see. Watch this space.

Writing time: 4 hours

Manifestation: 80%

One more note: I have a strong sense that love is just around the corner. I can feel it manifesting right in front of me.