Homespun ruminations on the dark side

At what point must one start to question all the hocus pocus undertakings we can find ourselves surrounded by? Courses, quacks, shrinks, gurus, teachers, charlatans, cults, mind expansion, NLP, EST... When to stop with this crazy journey?

Will I end up MJ Brainwashed of Gullible, Nowheresville?

Nope. In fact I don't think anyone could brainwash me. My spirit is unstoppable right now.

One thing all this stuff has awakened in me is that helping others brings happiness. But we can't really serve ourselves by serving others unless we come from a place of total clarity and authenticity. I.e. by the implementation of altruism, not philanthropy.

The current trend towards philanthropy is a case in point, and one which I am exercising on behalf of many individuals at the moment. And it is making me very happy. But I am introspective about how much of my happiness via this new path is delivered by some kind of narcissistic / professional need to be seen to do what I am doing, or if it is simply the knowledge of serving others that is giving me such joy.

I fear my project may never reach its full potential until I can see myself as an altruist as opposed to a philanthropist. I'm not quite there yet - my dark side keeps rearing its ugly head.

We will never really know how much altruism is being carried out in this world. Altruism is invisible to all but the benefactor and the beneficiary. But philanthropy... the pay off is there for all to see.

Here's what I am getting at:

My own need to forge a career, so that I may support family and treat my friends as I wish, admittedly encroaches on my desire to implement change and make a difference, to the extent when it is sometimes unclear to me exactly why I am doing what I am doing... And it is at this point when Ego begins to triumph over Self once more... And I lose all my power in what I am doing.

Only when coming from a space of absolute belief will I be able to pull off what I am trying here - global transformation.

I can only implement effective solutions when operating from light, as opposed to darkness.

And all around me I am beset by negative influences telling me to go this way and that, to change direction or at least consider additional workstreams - all of which appeal to my dark side, but not my true self.

But the universe tells me I am on the right path. It just feels that way.

I am absolutely sure, for the first time in my life, that I am where I need to be.

Admittedly, I have accepted much help from the outside world. I have undertaken some fairly controversial education, been NLP'd to my eyeballs, experimented with Peruvian hallucinogenics and even sought the help of a shaman in my quest for purpose and self.

And I guess I am a very, very different human being to who I was in January 2007...

But still, the dark side remains. In truth, perhaps it is as present as it ever was, and simply mutating faster than I can possibly comprehend, so sophisticated has this side of me become, to the extent that I am never be truly confident of making another decision totally independent of this darker force.

So... after all this work, and after all this time, what to do?

Do I delay my mission until I know I am truly enlightened?

I think not. Kaizen is the answer - to carry on on my mission, only ever comparing myself to who I was yesterday, and making sure there are significant improvments every single day.

How to stay present to this? By staying free of my dark side.

How to do this?

Well, let's examine where this dark side comes from, this deblitating virus, if you will let me call it that... Have we always had it, this inherent evil?

I would bet 'no'.

It has a source, does it not?

Of course it does.

I believe wholeheartedly that babies - that's infants I am referring to - little tiny humans - are free of this dark side.

Some may remain free of it for quite some time - maybe even a few years. And some may tragically be infected with this virus within seconds of being born.

But how do we catch this influenza of the soul?

Well, it's usually from those closest to us. In most cases, this originating incident can be something as small as the laughter of an aunt at a child's ginger hair, or being excluded by another child from a game. Or, in some cases, it is the first time a child is struck by its parents, or abused in some way. The first time we are told 'You'll be no good at math, coz no one else in the family is', is pretty sure to be the first rung on the ladder to a lifetime of failing math.

And at this point, this originating incident, we stop trying to live. We stop believing everything is possible, that we are infinite, and that we can save the world. Instead of living, we switch on the next best thing - survival. And our dark side stirs.

And, in turning to our survival instincts, the seeds of division in our soul are planted for the first time. Our defences guide us to avoid challenges, not overcome them. To lie instead of face the music. To run from fear, as oppose to step into it. And every time we do this, we are nurturing and growing our dark side into the fabulously complex 'thing' that accompanies us, or most times leads us, into 'adulthood'.

We start to compromise, for the sake of comfort, as oppose to punch the air and make a stand in the name of joy.

Darkness begins its long assault on light.

We become who we 'think' we are. And 99% of the time this is a 'limited being' that can't do this, or can’t do that, or will fail because of something that once happened to us.

Whereas in actual fact, we are unlimited - each and every one of us.

Now, the problem is, is that as we depreciate in value and contribution further and further, if we are lucky enough to live in a civilised society, we descend into a 'curriculum' that’s supposed to educate us into a good, long prosperous life. This is just as well, because by the time we reach school, any chance we had of grasping our infinite potential has been drained from us. This curriculum was designed by other people just like us - seemingly limited beings. And it is designed to prepare us to survive... Not to really live. And it is precisely because this curriculum is designed to run with the broken being, that the human race is in such an unhappy state.

Think about it. Where, in school, is there a class called 'OUR OWN INFINITE POWER'? I think it is absurd that these classes do not exist. Each and every one of us has an untapped genius inside, with infinite capability and prospects, but if that unique ingenuity is not discovered at an early age we are screwed. If the school says 'no', then that's usually it.

A curriculum such as this will always produce more Darth Vaders than Obi Wan Kenobis.

And by default, the next generation of Luke Skywalkers are faced with the same conundrum as Luke himself - who do I wnat to become? Obi Wan or Vader?

Light, or dark?

Hence we end up with an awful lot of assholes.

I digress.

But - stay with me, I know this is lengthy - just think for a moment: the cure for cancer, the cure for AIDS, the truth about god, all the mathematical patterns of nature... all these formulas are walking around completely undiscovered, imprisoned and being developed internally by fabulously brilliant people who simply think they are really, really stupid. Because that's what the system told them. These miracle carrying geniuses think they are so stupid that if they were ever identified, by some divine intervention, by the very same 'important' people that made them think they were stupid in the first place, they would undoubtedly be completely indecipherable, and in some cruel fate would go completely nuts during their inverted doctrination.

I digress once more.

My point is this: Due to our own innate infinite abilities, human beings are designed to live all on our own. To be self-sufficient.

What stops us from this?

Our dark side.

Because it stops us believing we can do it - all our dark side is is an amalgamation of all the negatives we have ever experienced.

I believe our curriculum should be based around preparing us to be self-employed, not employed. And, critically, it should condition and reward social contribution as it does profiteering. Is there anything as depressing as spending the first 20 years of your life moulding yourself to be able to fit into someone else's system? It is this process that further nurtures and grows our dark side. The frustration and the suppression are to blame here. The doctrination.

And so the spiral into an adulthood of light and darkness quickens, any concept of self being split like an atom into many deficient, conflicting parts, and we proceed to become reactive not proactive... deficient not proficient... self absorbed as opposed to engaged in others.

We survive, as opposed to live.

Once this doctrinarian of mediocrity has begun, it's all downhill. Our life becomes a transient, flimsy version of our true 'self', a new and complex identity is formed, resembling a mutating virus ready to infest our natural self whenever a gorgeous ripple of authenticity appears on the murky surface of our automated, conditioned existence.

The dark side is winning. It's just too powerful. It is backed up by everything we have ever been taught. It is promoted as being the pathway to health, wealth and happiness. Why would we reject it? The answer is that 95% of people probably don't.

But is exists inside all of us. The infinite power. Young, old, infirm, fit, healthy. The burning, confined fire of ability and genius. And it lays dormant and undiscovered in all but the fewest amongst us.

So what to do?

Well, a huge realisation I have had around all of the courses, all the 'cultish' learning that I have undertaken in the past year, is that it is all designed to deal with my dark side. To keep it in check.

To use it. And in using it, to remain free of it.

We don't need to simply accept our dark side for what it is. We can take control of it, and develop it into our 'edge'. That which makes us different to all other beings. I believe that the nurtured darkness in us all can provide the spark of electrical genius needed to ignite each of our world saving ideas.

That's what it is there for.

Because if we were all totally unaffected, it is very likely that nothing would ever get done - we would simply sit on park benches all day being deliriously happy with the universe and mother nature.

It is our dark side that godes us into goal setting and achievement - into wanting to be good at something, or wanting to be recognised for doing something good.

There is nothing wrong with these desires - they are all merely a projection of our 'self' - a reflection of all the events, circumstances and experiences each of us has ever had (which is precisely why the pathway differs for each of us).

I am embracing my dark side. It gives me my edge.

In doing so, I am ensuring it always remains servile to my true self - the altruist inside.