Day 25 - landmark decision?

OK. In a bid to lay the last of my demons to rest just 6 weeks before my 30th birthday, I am attending the Landmark Forum this weekend.

Apparenty it's very popular with 29 year olds about to hit the big 3-0.

I have not been in such a dillemma about something for a long time, but have decided my fear of it dictates I must tackle it head on.

Why am I doing it?

Well, a friend of mine who was in nearly as big a mess as I was a few years back, did Landmark and swears it was one of the best decisions of his life. 3 others I know have strongly recommended that I do it. He literally turned his life around after it. And so much of their product seems aimed to conquer areas of my life that are still problematic - decision making (i.e whether or not to go out on the lash or not), blockages (do I tell someone I love them or leave it?), relationships (how to have one would be a good start), addiction (any of a number of things) and productivity (if i want this book deal by my 30th birthday i need to step up the pace).

After extensive web research, opinion on Landmark is hugely divided.

It is clearly one of the most popular human learning seminars in the world - it is now a global business.

But it is banned in france. They believe it to be some form of cult or sect. And cults and sects are strange things. But so are the French. Austria also consider it a sect. But that is the birthplace of adolf hitler. One kid in North America went missing and commited suicide shortly after attending Landmark.

But people go missing every day. Maybe Landmark simply persuaded this guy there was actually no real need to return to his abusive family?

Another Landmark student form Colorado killed his postman shortly after attending class... But people in Colorado kill each other every day from what I can work out.

I guess my biggest fear is that Landmark will be the first big group awareness stuff I have done. And it will be the culmination of all this self stuff and therapy i have undertaken in the past few years. And i guess that i am scared of opening up in a big group of people.

A friend of mine says mysteriously on landmark: 'Play the game. When the time comes, make the phone calls'.

I can only assume he means calling people who i need to apologise to? Or declare my undying love for after a moment of realisation? All I can say is he must be joking. My family for starters, who are owed any number of apologies, already think i am slightly mad. In my family, anyone who does not have a job that brings in a regular monthly income and keeps you at a desk between 8am and 7pm is certifiably, clinically insane. I think the precise opposite. And an emotional phone call from some seminar that they think is nuts will not help matters.

And likewise, the small matter of love has never been something I intended to resolve in front of 180 other people.

I guess i am also scared that Landmark will take my edge off. I don't necessarily want to love everyone and everything, to be so at one witht the world, so completely in the moment, that i realise nothing material in this world matters at all and thus lose my own unique brand of opinionated, ambitious vitriol! I am a writer and i need my edge. I like being moody and hating things.

But in truth I hate less and less. Hate is negativity and negativity is the enemy. Positive thoughts only in my increasingly mastered mind.

I am definitely dreading the prospect of spending 3 12 hour days in a room with a bunch of happy clapping self awareness freaks who get to know all my most pathetic, wretched, innermost secrets.

But maybe they won't be freaks. Maybe they will be just like me!

Completely normal.

Landmark say: “We have a requirement that people must be emotionally stable at that time to participate in our programs.”

I think I am emotionally stable.

Most of the time.

Here goes nothing.

Writing time: 7 hours

Manifestation: 85% due to slight confidence issue brought on by red wine fug from previous night. Maybe Landmark will enable me to simply say 'no' to that type of dalliance.