Day 46 - The Retreat (cont) - self love

On the final day of the retreat over Easter, I had one last question.

I now knew that I posessed everything I needed to move forward with my book and my life, that the answers to everything lay right inside me, and how to ensure my heart would triumph over my ego.

But one piece of information still eluded me.

How was I to apply this new plan in 'real life' - back in the 'real' world? When you are surrounded by the matrix, it is all to easy to slip into old habits. It was troubling me. I had had great experiences with other forms of therapy (but none as revealing as my time at Tourne), and then failed to integrate the knowledge into my life back in London.

I sought advice from the Shaman leading the retreat, who told me all the answers lay in our dreams and subconcious, and if I really wanted to know, I should meditate and ask the Ayahausca in our final session that night. I nodded - the Ayahausca had revealed epic information to me in the past few days - there was no reason it would not do so again.

That night we drank our small glass of the peruvian plant and I sat meditating on my life, wandering why I could never full manage to apply all the things I knew were good for me into my life. Why did I always seem to lapse into drinking and taking drugs with people I knew were such a negative influence? Why did I sometimes make such bad choices? Why did I sometimes sabotage beneficial situations?

These questions were answered by a series of rather dark, depressing but hugely rewarding visualisations and realisations.

It's self love.

I don't apply it.

Some of my friends may laugh at that - but it's true.

Becuase we are not talking narcissistic self love here.

We are talking care and attention - TLC - the type you get from your own mother.

If you don't love yourself, you don't treat yourself right. Think about that for a second. Do you treat yourself like someone that you love?

The answer with me was a big 'no'.

Do you want someone you love to go out drinking all the time and thus watch them become unable to pursue their dreams? Do you hope to see people you love screw up beneficial situations and circumstances? Do you want someone you love to eat and drink too much and get overweight?

No.

And none of this stuff happens to you when you apply large doses of self love.

And it'll be different from now on in this corner.

Just asking 'If i loved myself would i do this?' has helped instil huge discipline over the past week or so.

Drinking sessions become yoga sessions. Meeting someone for an expensive lunch becomes a run in the park. Jumping out of bed to make a cup of coffee and manically writing my to do list becomes 15 minutes of meditation overlooking the trees next to my flat.

But above all, all I want to do is write. I am writing my best stuff ever - and it's from the heart not the ego.

That's what I learned on The Retreat.

The manifestation continues at pace.

Writing time: 7 hours

Manifestation: 100% (have not had a proper hangover for well over 3 weeks now - feeling very proud).