I caught up with my best friend yesterday - for the first time in weeks - and the first time since my retreat over easter.
He's a stockbroker, but quite spiritual and supportive of my new life with no short term income.
At the end of my part of the catch up, he asked me a really good question:
'If I start on this spritual journey like you have, my deepest fear is that I become content with not quite accomplishing what I know I want in life, because I will realise it doesn't mean all that much. I'm afraid I will lose my edge. Is this so?'
I laughed. And not just becasue he appears to be chasing things that he already knows aren't of any importance.
Take a minute to think about how absurd that is.
I laughed because it reminded me of a line I read in Eckart Tolle's book The Power of Now, after the realisation that he just wanted to 'be': 'I had no relationships, no home, no socially defined identity. I spent almost 2 years sitting on park benches in a state of most intense joy'.
At the time of reading that it really made me think.
When I started out on this journey, I jumped in at the deep end. I decided not to return to work for a monthly paycheck, downsized my flat and put money in the bank to fund the project, and underwent some fairly hardcore personal development and group awareness therapy. The writing of my book played second fiddle to this stuff for a while.
And more than a few times during that work, I brushed with the realistion that nothing really means anything in this world. Nothing at all. Things might mean something to you, or mean something to me, because we have attached meaning to them. But saying something 'means something to me' does not mean that it 'means something' in the universal sense. Ghandi means something to 500millions indian people for whom he changed the course of the future. But some people in south america have never even heard of him, so he means nothing to them. Thus he doesn't mean anything universally.
And it occured to me, each time I realised this, that all the striving in life, the struggle to attain what you want and have what you want have to happen, is pointless. You may as well just go with the flow and, in the words of Marcus Aurelius 'accept only what comes to you woven in the pattern of your destiny'.
But for young men like my friend and myself, enlightening as this realisation might be, it represents a significant danger to our future. Because all those things we are striving for - me with the writing of my book and him with his deals in the city
- mean soemthing to us. And they mean something to our families and friends.
Which is why neither of us wants to end up like Tolle - sitting on a park benches feeling ridiculously happy with absolutely nothing to show for it.
Way before my chat with best friend, I was mulling over this on my way to my retreat over easter and resolved to ask the shaman who was leading the week what his view was.
'Shaman, one of my fears is the extent to which i have 'seen the light' during all this self stuff. It has caused me once or twice to question if any of my work or ambition is necessary at all. If I carry on exploring the rabbit hole of our existence, will I conclude Tolle is right to sit on park benches all day, and end up sitting on my own park benches, feeling fine and dandy, and never accomplishing anything?'
'That is the end result, yes.' replied the shaman solemnly.
'I'm not sure how I feel about that.'
'It needn't worry you just yet', the shaman said, smiling, 'it takes a bloody long time to get there.'
I laughed.
The shaman went on to me that because i had created such meaning in my world and thus held such things dear, that is the world in which i should stay. And if i was to stay in that world with my friends and family, who gave me such happiness, I would need to earn a living and pay my way, and thus that was why i 'wanted' and 'strived' with my writing.
'But' he said - 'therein lies the key to all this. If you must do things in life, in order to fund your surroundings and your lifestyle - make that journey of 'doing' enjoyable. Your purpose is your happiness in many ways. It will ensure that you genuinely love yourself and love what you are doing in order so that you can love everything else in your life, and never start to resent it for keeping you from the aforementioned state of nirvana - because you are there anyway'.
I realised then that simply following your heart and your dreams is nirvana.
I told this to my friend and we concluded that it all came down to balance.
And now I realise that i can safely pursue this zen like state, happy in the knowledge that it is many years away, and that the journey will be truly amazing for me, as i write my way towards the ultimate destination.
But I also have to say that I am looking forward to spending some days - maybe even many days, perhaps in 20 years or so, simply sitting on a park bench feeling unbridled, ecstatic joy.
And not feeling the need to do anything at all.
That appeals hugely.
Writing time: 6 hours
Manifestation: 100%
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3 comments:
This is in response to another post you had, I believe like 33 or something...you may have read this already, but I thought it was noteworthy, just in case you had not!
I think you are doing great, It is hard for parents, trust me I know, you want your kids to take risks, but you don't want them to get hurt too...
You'll do it! I really believe you can, I bet your parents do too, just are being cautious!
http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html
cheers!
Kim
Kim (above comment) turned me onto your blog and I really appreciate this post. I too have pondered such things endlessly the past couple of years, and continue to do so. I've given up a lot to pursue my own happiness, which I hope will eventually lead me to write a book, as you are doing. But for now, I find that I am in such a state of self-awareness.
I too believe that balance is key. I am very content being alone, pursuing interests, reading, etc. But without that sense of responsibility (to the people I love in my life and just those general responsibilities to pay my bills and such), that personal happiness alone does not complete me as a person.
I enjoyed your consideration of meaning as well. I look forward to reading more of your blog. Good luck with the book and the journey you're on. It is great to come across like-minded individuals who are embracing the struggle of self-awareness but with hope and convinction.
Oh, I think you may also enjoy this quote from Joseph Campbell. I'm sorry it is a bit long. Have you read any of his works? Very inspiring:
"If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are -- if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.
"Now, I came to this idea of bliss because in Sanskrit, which is the great spiritual language of the world, there are three terms that represent the brink, the jumping-off place to the ocean of transcendence: sat-chit-ananda. The word "Sat" means being. "Chit" means consciousness. "Ananda" means bliss or rapture. I thought, 'I don't know whether my consciousness is proper consciousness or not; I don't know whether what I know of my being is my proper being or not; but I do know where my rapture is. So let me hang on to rapture, and that will bring me both my consciousness and my being.' I think it worked."
hey, just a thought...how about self publishing?
I have a friend who has self published 2 or 3 books, and when i asked her why she does that, because really she could be picked up by a publishing company...and she said...publishing companies only give you $1 per book, and why would i do that when i can publish my own and market myself...
let me give you her email address and web page, she would be more than happy to answer any questions!!
http://www.youresuchadave.com/
please contact her...her name is Kerrin, she will know when you say Kim referred me to you, her and I are best buds, single mothers together..we shared a house at one time not long ago...contact her!!!!
(I'm pushy, huh?;)
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