Everyone breathe a sigh of relief.
I have decided I am miles away from figuring it all out.
BUT - I need to redefine my mission.
Writing is a constant, my book remains my dream, but it belongs in the not too distant future.
I am called to use 'the now' for a different purpose.
It's time to manifest the major tributary to my book - Cycle 4.
The blog 'Manifesting Jack' is working it's magic - I have been guided to this point by the discipline and mission this blog represents.
The Secret is weaving my future right before my eyes.
I feel alive.
Watch this space.
MJ re-launches tomorrow.
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Day 100 - has MJ figured it out?
MJ is deliberating whether or not he has got it all figured out.
Have I manifested my future?
Have I manifested my future?
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Day 99.5 - a little thought i had
I just had conversation with the kind of person who thinks anyone can be bought.
And I kinda have ancient feelings for this guy. A bit of guy love, forgive the phrase.
But it occurred to me:
People who work solely for money, who may even unwittingly surrender 100% of their being to money, can never understand, or get related to, or communicate with, someone who works for a cause.
The money chaser simply cannot get past their underlying opinion that that person they know - that person working for a cause - is doing it because they are 'unable to become rich'!!!
And it's strange, because people who work for causes, very often will sacrifice 100% of their being to that cause knowingly and willingly.
But, if a person who works solely for financial gain actually becomes fully aware - actually realises - that their spirit and soul are being sacrificed, they always - without exception - pull back.
And what do they do then?
They look for a cause.
Doesn't that make people like that some of the worst out there?
They sooooooo neeeeeeed help!
But I'm ok with them.
I still love my friend - he just doesn't know yet.
And that is absolutely ok with me.
Writing time: sufficient, i feel clear, like siddartha
Manifestation: 1000%
And I kinda have ancient feelings for this guy. A bit of guy love, forgive the phrase.
But it occurred to me:
People who work solely for money, who may even unwittingly surrender 100% of their being to money, can never understand, or get related to, or communicate with, someone who works for a cause.
The money chaser simply cannot get past their underlying opinion that that person they know - that person working for a cause - is doing it because they are 'unable to become rich'!!!
And it's strange, because people who work for causes, very often will sacrifice 100% of their being to that cause knowingly and willingly.
But, if a person who works solely for financial gain actually becomes fully aware - actually realises - that their spirit and soul are being sacrificed, they always - without exception - pull back.
And what do they do then?
They look for a cause.
Doesn't that make people like that some of the worst out there?
They sooooooo neeeeeeed help!
But I'm ok with them.
I still love my friend - he just doesn't know yet.
And that is absolutely ok with me.
Writing time: sufficient, i feel clear, like siddartha
Manifestation: 1000%
Day 99 - siddartha
I can't quite explain how deeply I've been affected by the book Siddartha by Herman Hesse.
I'd read and re-read Narcissus and Goldmund. I loved every word.
But nothing prepared me for the brilliant, spiritual simplicity of Siddartha.
It feels like this book was delivered to me just at the right time. A few years ago I couldn't get through the first chapter... boredom reigned. How I laugh at that now. To be bored by this most stunning tale is to expose a darkened, jaded soul to the universe.
But even this time around, it took me a while to get going on it.
Then I had a little trigger to return to it a few days ago and I got through the 140 pages in no time at all, literally smiling from ear to ear as I read it.
I feel like this book has confimred to me so much I've learnt in the past few years - it really feels as if the words have removed doubt.
All the things Siddartha experiences - desire, family dynamics, friends, the removal of desire, the rejection of religion, attachment and the cessation of attachment, death, learning, oneness, unity, nature... and finally love, are all things I have come across for the first time in the past few years.
This book is so good that it actually waited for me...
I read it when I was ready.
Funny how it worked for me so well, huh?
Writing time: 5 hours
Manifestation: 100%
I'd read and re-read Narcissus and Goldmund. I loved every word.
But nothing prepared me for the brilliant, spiritual simplicity of Siddartha.
It feels like this book was delivered to me just at the right time. A few years ago I couldn't get through the first chapter... boredom reigned. How I laugh at that now. To be bored by this most stunning tale is to expose a darkened, jaded soul to the universe.
But even this time around, it took me a while to get going on it.
Then I had a little trigger to return to it a few days ago and I got through the 140 pages in no time at all, literally smiling from ear to ear as I read it.
I feel like this book has confimred to me so much I've learnt in the past few years - it really feels as if the words have removed doubt.
All the things Siddartha experiences - desire, family dynamics, friends, the removal of desire, the rejection of religion, attachment and the cessation of attachment, death, learning, oneness, unity, nature... and finally love, are all things I have come across for the first time in the past few years.
This book is so good that it actually waited for me...
I read it when I was ready.
Funny how it worked for me so well, huh?
Writing time: 5 hours
Manifestation: 100%
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Day 98 - the chain of transformation
1) SELF
2) RELATIONSHIP
3) FAMILY
4) COMMUNITY / GROUP
5) ORGANISATION / PROFESSION
6) SOCIETY
7) WORLD
More to follow.
Writing time: 2 hours
Manifestation: 50% thought all over the place
2) RELATIONSHIP
3) FAMILY
4) COMMUNITY / GROUP
5) ORGANISATION / PROFESSION
6) SOCIETY
7) WORLD
More to follow.
Writing time: 2 hours
Manifestation: 50% thought all over the place
Tuesday, 19 June 2007
Days 94,95,96,97 - getting present to nothing
On my last retreat at Easter, i spoke to my shaman /guru about a number of things.
But my one big question was along the lines of 'If I carry on with all this work, this process of realisation and development, will i eventually get to a stage where i simply desire nothing, possess nothing and feel fine with that?'
His answer?
'Yes you will - but it takes a bloody long time.'
That answer made me laugh.
I was worried about suddenly reaching a level of enlightenment that takes buddhist monks a lifetime.
Anyway, I've spent the last four days in breakdown - wandering about my goals and my current position in the universe. I have to admit to also letting 'old fun' into my life on a few occasions.
But I've also been present. I think I am in the moment finally.
Just being able to accept what is now.
To simply realise that whatever state i may be in, whatever planet i might be on, whatever feeling i may be experiencing, is simply a perfect moment that has come to me woven in the pattern of my destiny.
And while enjoying this state, I really got that there isn't really anything worth striving for. Nothing really means anything universally.
Things mean something to me, and they might also mean something to you. But that doesn't indicate true meaning. Ghandi changed the course of the future for half a billion people, and he certainly means something to those people, as Nelson Mandela does to the people of South Africa. But even figures such as this, although coming close, do not mean something universally.
This is something I am grappling with at the moment.
Is the only thing worth doing helping other people?
I think maybe it is.
Writing time: not much, throught processes in overdrive
Manifestation: 50%
But my one big question was along the lines of 'If I carry on with all this work, this process of realisation and development, will i eventually get to a stage where i simply desire nothing, possess nothing and feel fine with that?'
His answer?
'Yes you will - but it takes a bloody long time.'
That answer made me laugh.
I was worried about suddenly reaching a level of enlightenment that takes buddhist monks a lifetime.
Anyway, I've spent the last four days in breakdown - wandering about my goals and my current position in the universe. I have to admit to also letting 'old fun' into my life on a few occasions.
But I've also been present. I think I am in the moment finally.
Just being able to accept what is now.
To simply realise that whatever state i may be in, whatever planet i might be on, whatever feeling i may be experiencing, is simply a perfect moment that has come to me woven in the pattern of my destiny.
And while enjoying this state, I really got that there isn't really anything worth striving for. Nothing really means anything universally.
Things mean something to me, and they might also mean something to you. But that doesn't indicate true meaning. Ghandi changed the course of the future for half a billion people, and he certainly means something to those people, as Nelson Mandela does to the people of South Africa. But even figures such as this, although coming close, do not mean something universally.
This is something I am grappling with at the moment.
Is the only thing worth doing helping other people?
I think maybe it is.
Writing time: not much, throught processes in overdrive
Manifestation: 50%
Thursday, 14 June 2007
Day 93 - debt / taking a stand
Interesting commentary going on in the UK about debt.
Charlotte Ross (20something) in the Evening Standard is talking about how her attitude toward debt is vastly different to her parents (who incidentally helped her out of debt).
She currently owes £34,000. She says that's about average for her peer group.
I can well believe it - I had a similar situation a few years ago.
What hope can we realistically offer 20somethings nowadays? Do they have any option other than debt?
I mean, apart from the top 0.5% who earn a decent wage straight out of university...
It's no wonder that people get trapped in the matrix. They walk out of university straight into it, already laden with debts and maxed out store and credit cards. What chance will they ever have to take a break and survey their life? Or start from square 1 again? Both these things are essential in breaking out. And debt keeps 20somethings from taking these risks.
20somethings are swimming in honey from day 1.
It's no wonder when I talk to some people about giving up their 'career' for some greater purpose I am met with snorts of derision. They can’t even afford to think that way. The first step on their path to fulfilment if they are not earning £50k+ by the time they are 30?
Bankruptcy and court orders.
It feels good to have reached 30 debt free. But let's face it; I am living in a wonderland. If my folks hadn't helped me out at certain stages, I would have been screwed. I would have had to sell things before the time is right to avoid going bankrupt.
Other than record my own rank experiences with debt, it is difficult to know how to advise a 20something on this subject. I mean, what should they do?
Drop out of life?
Drink cheap wine in the park?
Wear student clothes?
My parent’s generation are literally gob smacked at the debt problem. But they have no idea what it's like living somewhere like London.
Salaries are the same, but costs have quadrupled. Competition is the name of the game.
Sink or swim.
Take Virgin’s hideous new ad campaign to ‘Say Yes!’ to its Virgin Money loan and credit facility. The ads are clearly targeting the last remaining 20somethings out there who have not yet caved in to debt – it promises increased social status, and a kind of ‘style nirvana’ into which we will be transported once we ‘Say Yes’ to virgin credit.
I mean, ads like this should not be allowed. Plain and simple.
My only real advice for this journalist and her buddies is to step back from their life, and have a long hard look at what role they are playing.
Debt can be viewed as ‘an investment’.
Make sure the ‘investment’ is in a life that is worth it. A life in which you love what you are doing, you have a clearly defined purpose and that purpose is of help to other people.
And remember that one other thing that is as sure as debt in your 20's is the fact that they still have a choice.
20somethings can still pull back, make changes.
They are still in charge of their own destiny.
‘Turn on, tune in and drop out’?
Absolutely. I don’t mean this literally. I certainly don't mean drop out of life and smoke dope all day long. I mean opt in to a life worth living.
For most 20somethings, debt is an unavoidable fact of life.
And debt is bound to cause misery sooner or later. But it'll seem worse and it will last longer if you are trapped in a life without purpose than if you are fighting to get out of the matrix.
I get the feeling the Evening Standard journo is taking a stand for something…
That’s a very good place to start.
Writing time: 5 hours
Manifestation: 100%
Charlotte Ross (20something) in the Evening Standard is talking about how her attitude toward debt is vastly different to her parents (who incidentally helped her out of debt).
She currently owes £34,000. She says that's about average for her peer group.
I can well believe it - I had a similar situation a few years ago.
What hope can we realistically offer 20somethings nowadays? Do they have any option other than debt?
I mean, apart from the top 0.5% who earn a decent wage straight out of university...
It's no wonder that people get trapped in the matrix. They walk out of university straight into it, already laden with debts and maxed out store and credit cards. What chance will they ever have to take a break and survey their life? Or start from square 1 again? Both these things are essential in breaking out. And debt keeps 20somethings from taking these risks.
20somethings are swimming in honey from day 1.
It's no wonder when I talk to some people about giving up their 'career' for some greater purpose I am met with snorts of derision. They can’t even afford to think that way. The first step on their path to fulfilment if they are not earning £50k+ by the time they are 30?
Bankruptcy and court orders.
It feels good to have reached 30 debt free. But let's face it; I am living in a wonderland. If my folks hadn't helped me out at certain stages, I would have been screwed. I would have had to sell things before the time is right to avoid going bankrupt.
Other than record my own rank experiences with debt, it is difficult to know how to advise a 20something on this subject. I mean, what should they do?
Drop out of life?
Drink cheap wine in the park?
Wear student clothes?
My parent’s generation are literally gob smacked at the debt problem. But they have no idea what it's like living somewhere like London.
Salaries are the same, but costs have quadrupled. Competition is the name of the game.
Sink or swim.
Take Virgin’s hideous new ad campaign to ‘Say Yes!’ to its Virgin Money loan and credit facility. The ads are clearly targeting the last remaining 20somethings out there who have not yet caved in to debt – it promises increased social status, and a kind of ‘style nirvana’ into which we will be transported once we ‘Say Yes’ to virgin credit.
I mean, ads like this should not be allowed. Plain and simple.
My only real advice for this journalist and her buddies is to step back from their life, and have a long hard look at what role they are playing.
Debt can be viewed as ‘an investment’.
Make sure the ‘investment’ is in a life that is worth it. A life in which you love what you are doing, you have a clearly defined purpose and that purpose is of help to other people.
And remember that one other thing that is as sure as debt in your 20's is the fact that they still have a choice.
20somethings can still pull back, make changes.
They are still in charge of their own destiny.
‘Turn on, tune in and drop out’?
Absolutely. I don’t mean this literally. I certainly don't mean drop out of life and smoke dope all day long. I mean opt in to a life worth living.
For most 20somethings, debt is an unavoidable fact of life.
And debt is bound to cause misery sooner or later. But it'll seem worse and it will last longer if you are trapped in a life without purpose than if you are fighting to get out of the matrix.
I get the feeling the Evening Standard journo is taking a stand for something…
That’s a very good place to start.
Writing time: 5 hours
Manifestation: 100%
Day 92 - further deliberations on how to be
There is so much out there that delivers joy... and yet doesn't cost anything.
So much that increases energy, but doesn't expend it, causing happiness.
And then there is so much that costs us spiritually, which delivers only pleasure.
So much that causes pain, which we interpret as fun.
How did things get so f%$£@d p?!
Here are some quotes from Lao Tzu that I really, really love, but simply can't seem to master:
Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
Lao Tzu
Why can't I get present to this?
Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.
Lao Tzu
When will this happen? Am I really in control of my own growth? Why do I remain wild?
By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.
Lao Tzu
Why do I want everything all the time? I waste so much energy on desire.
Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.
Lao Tzu
Why do I still lose my temper with people?
I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.
Lao Tzu
Aaaaargh.
Here's some Lao Tzu that I really love, and am just beginning to get on top of:
Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge.
Lao Tzu
Keep tripping up but it's in there somewhere.
To know yet to think that one does not know is best; Not to know yet to think that one knows will lead to difficulty.
Lao Tzu
Definitely getting there - is this called humility?
To lead people walk behind them.
Lao Tzu
Got it, struggling with it.
To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.
Lao Tzu
Trying to meditate daily.
Treat those who are good with goodness, and also treat those who are not good with goodness. Thus goodness is attained. Be honest to those who are honest, and be also honest to those who are not honest. Thus honesty is attained.
Lao Tzu
Difficult but necessary.
Now here's some of Lao's quotes that I really love, and which I think are fully integrated with my life:
Because of a great love, one is courageous.
Lao Tzu
Excellent stuff.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
Lao Tzu
This is present in every aspect of my work now.
I do not concern myself with gods and spirits either good or evil nor do I serve any.
Lao Tzu
The laws of the universe will take care of us all - religion is the cause of 90% of misery.
If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.
Lao Tzu
So not afraid of dying. Living each day like it's oging to be my last feels good.
The sage does not hoard. The more he helps others, the more he benefits himself, The more he gives to others, the more he gets himself. The Way of Heaven does one good but never does one harm. The Way of the sage is to act but not to compete.
Lao Tzu
On this rather lovely subject, here's another quote I was sent the other day that i subscribe to:
"Can you imagine living in a world, ben, where paying too much, giving too much, and trusting too much would all inevitably make you more?
Yeah, right, that's how this whole business began".
I'm so there.
But Lao Tzu rocks the hardest - out of all the gurus - he's the one for me.
Writing time: 4 hours
Manifestation: 100%
So much that increases energy, but doesn't expend it, causing happiness.
And then there is so much that costs us spiritually, which delivers only pleasure.
So much that causes pain, which we interpret as fun.
How did things get so f%$£@d p?!
Here are some quotes from Lao Tzu that I really, really love, but simply can't seem to master:
Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.
Lao Tzu
Why can't I get present to this?
Born to be wild - live to outgrow it.
Lao Tzu
When will this happen? Am I really in control of my own growth? Why do I remain wild?
By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.
Lao Tzu
Why do I want everything all the time? I waste so much energy on desire.
Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.
Lao Tzu
Why do I still lose my temper with people?
I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.
Lao Tzu
Aaaaargh.
Here's some Lao Tzu that I really love, and am just beginning to get on top of:
Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge.
Lao Tzu
Keep tripping up but it's in there somewhere.
To know yet to think that one does not know is best; Not to know yet to think that one knows will lead to difficulty.
Lao Tzu
Definitely getting there - is this called humility?
To lead people walk behind them.
Lao Tzu
Got it, struggling with it.
To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders.
Lao Tzu
Trying to meditate daily.
Treat those who are good with goodness, and also treat those who are not good with goodness. Thus goodness is attained. Be honest to those who are honest, and be also honest to those who are not honest. Thus honesty is attained.
Lao Tzu
Difficult but necessary.
Now here's some of Lao's quotes that I really love, and which I think are fully integrated with my life:
Because of a great love, one is courageous.
Lao Tzu
Excellent stuff.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
Lao Tzu
This is present in every aspect of my work now.
I do not concern myself with gods and spirits either good or evil nor do I serve any.
Lao Tzu
The laws of the universe will take care of us all - religion is the cause of 90% of misery.
If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.
Lao Tzu
So not afraid of dying. Living each day like it's oging to be my last feels good.
The sage does not hoard. The more he helps others, the more he benefits himself, The more he gives to others, the more he gets himself. The Way of Heaven does one good but never does one harm. The Way of the sage is to act but not to compete.
Lao Tzu
On this rather lovely subject, here's another quote I was sent the other day that i subscribe to:
"Can you imagine living in a world, ben, where paying too much, giving too much, and trusting too much would all inevitably make you more?
Yeah, right, that's how this whole business began".
I'm so there.
But Lao Tzu rocks the hardest - out of all the gurus - he's the one for me.
Writing time: 4 hours
Manifestation: 100%
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
Day 91 - realisations on 'fun'
I arrived early for my yoga class after a really shitty day yesterday.
My builder wants more money - which is looking pretty thin on the ground again after so many months of earning zilch.
London was hot. And this city is so not built for the heat.
I couldn't even write my blog.
Yesterday was a fight.
And as we all know... fighting / striving / struggling doesn't work.
So I arrive for late yoga feeling like I'm losing.
Asking myself questions like: 'Am I deluding myself?' and 'Should I really be showing such blind faith in this unpredictable path?'
But I realised in my yoga class what had been happening recently.
I've taken more on, both spiritually and professionally, while trying to fit in more and more of my old life. And that won't work. That's how I wound up in such a state yesterday.
I need to re-focus and re-double my efforts, but I don't have the energy. Something's gotta give.
My realisation in yoga was that the fun could only come from pursuits that feed the path, and never detracts from it - that the fun of old needs to be dropped to move forward.
I need to replace 'old fun' with 'new fun'.
I looked back in my yoga and asked myself when I was at my best this year. I've been feeling pretty good a lot of the time, but I can pinpoint the peak periods - the times when all the breakthroughs are made.
My retreat, chronicled around Day 41 in this blog, comes up as the point of greatest spiritual and personal clarity. It produced breakthroughs of epic proportions, aided by the Peruvian hallucinogenic vine, Ayahausca. The vine of souls.
So - I am entering a period of abstinence. Abstinence from 'old fun'.
And I have booked the follow up to my retreat - Peru in October.
The time between now and then will make or break everything this blog is designed to deliver.
It must be treat with the utmost care.
Time to think only good thoughts.
Writing time: 2 hours
Manifestation: 80%
My builder wants more money - which is looking pretty thin on the ground again after so many months of earning zilch.
London was hot. And this city is so not built for the heat.
I couldn't even write my blog.
Yesterday was a fight.
And as we all know... fighting / striving / struggling doesn't work.
So I arrive for late yoga feeling like I'm losing.
Asking myself questions like: 'Am I deluding myself?' and 'Should I really be showing such blind faith in this unpredictable path?'
But I realised in my yoga class what had been happening recently.
I've taken more on, both spiritually and professionally, while trying to fit in more and more of my old life. And that won't work. That's how I wound up in such a state yesterday.
I need to re-focus and re-double my efforts, but I don't have the energy. Something's gotta give.
My realisation in yoga was that the fun could only come from pursuits that feed the path, and never detracts from it - that the fun of old needs to be dropped to move forward.
I need to replace 'old fun' with 'new fun'.
I looked back in my yoga and asked myself when I was at my best this year. I've been feeling pretty good a lot of the time, but I can pinpoint the peak periods - the times when all the breakthroughs are made.
My retreat, chronicled around Day 41 in this blog, comes up as the point of greatest spiritual and personal clarity. It produced breakthroughs of epic proportions, aided by the Peruvian hallucinogenic vine, Ayahausca. The vine of souls.
So - I am entering a period of abstinence. Abstinence from 'old fun'.
And I have booked the follow up to my retreat - Peru in October.
The time between now and then will make or break everything this blog is designed to deliver.
It must be treat with the utmost care.
Time to think only good thoughts.
Writing time: 2 hours
Manifestation: 80%
Monday, 11 June 2007
Days 88, 89, 90 - castaneda's view
I think I've found the best summation yet on all this stuff:
In Carlos Castaneda's masterpiece 'The Teachings of Don Juan', Don Juan Matus says on the subject of 'progress':
'The answer is very simple. A man seeking knowledge must not run away. He must defy his fear, and in spite of it he must take the next step in learning, and the next, and the next. He must be fully afraid, and yet he must not stop. That is the rule! And a moment will come when his enemy retreats. The man begins to feel sure of himself. His intent becomes stronger. Learning is no longer a terrifying task.'
It really reminded me of all those times over the years of struggle, the years of not accepting the easy route, when family members have said to me 'it must be awful, not knowing what will happen next...'
To which I always replied 'Yes, I suppose it is'.
Now, it's only recently that I have realised that it's not awful at all. It's the best feeling you can have. Because as the great Carlos Castaneda says, fear is real learning.
It also made me thing about how hard on myself I am.
When I read that quote, I actually wandered whether or not I would fit into Castaneda's definition of 'living in fear'.
But then I realised how foolish I was being. I live in perpetual fear. I am just so used to living in fear that it seems totally normal, which is where Castaneda is suggesting we all need to be if we are to make real progress. It made me think of all the times recently when friends / gurus have said to me 'you are making incredible strides of progress', and I have just stared blankly, disbelievingly back at them. Not realising the progress I was making - always looking for the 'big bang' of enlightenment, and not recognising the gradual learning I was undertaking.
When I re-read that quote, I realised I was already through the worst.
'He must be fully afraid, and yet he must not stop.'
Box ticked.
'The man begins to feel sure of himself.'
Done.
'His intent becomes stronger. Learning is no longer a terrifying task.'
That's where I’m at.
That quote made it clear to me that I've always been here. And that this entire process - self-help, spritiual awakening, personal development, enlightenment - call it what you want, is just a process of realisation.
Learning.
Cheers Carlos.
Writing time: 5 hours
Manifestation: 100%
In Carlos Castaneda's masterpiece 'The Teachings of Don Juan', Don Juan Matus says on the subject of 'progress':
'The answer is very simple. A man seeking knowledge must not run away. He must defy his fear, and in spite of it he must take the next step in learning, and the next, and the next. He must be fully afraid, and yet he must not stop. That is the rule! And a moment will come when his enemy retreats. The man begins to feel sure of himself. His intent becomes stronger. Learning is no longer a terrifying task.'
It really reminded me of all those times over the years of struggle, the years of not accepting the easy route, when family members have said to me 'it must be awful, not knowing what will happen next...'
To which I always replied 'Yes, I suppose it is'.
Now, it's only recently that I have realised that it's not awful at all. It's the best feeling you can have. Because as the great Carlos Castaneda says, fear is real learning.
It also made me thing about how hard on myself I am.
When I read that quote, I actually wandered whether or not I would fit into Castaneda's definition of 'living in fear'.
But then I realised how foolish I was being. I live in perpetual fear. I am just so used to living in fear that it seems totally normal, which is where Castaneda is suggesting we all need to be if we are to make real progress. It made me think of all the times recently when friends / gurus have said to me 'you are making incredible strides of progress', and I have just stared blankly, disbelievingly back at them. Not realising the progress I was making - always looking for the 'big bang' of enlightenment, and not recognising the gradual learning I was undertaking.
When I re-read that quote, I realised I was already through the worst.
'He must be fully afraid, and yet he must not stop.'
Box ticked.
'The man begins to feel sure of himself.'
Done.
'His intent becomes stronger. Learning is no longer a terrifying task.'
That's where I’m at.
That quote made it clear to me that I've always been here. And that this entire process - self-help, spritiual awakening, personal development, enlightenment - call it what you want, is just a process of realisation.
Learning.
Cheers Carlos.
Writing time: 5 hours
Manifestation: 100%
Thursday, 7 June 2007
Day 87 - laborious book proposal
I am trying to write my book proposal to show to publishers.
It ain't easy.
Synopsis, compelling key sentence, differentiation, key messages, chapter outlines, author details, first 2 chapters...
Exhausting.
All my sentences seem to be about 90 words long, and all my messages seem to be either plagiarised, or lost in a fug of over anxious, self concious first-time-authorisms.
There is something about writing this proposal that seems contrary to all my new beliefs and methods.
'Accept only that which comes woven in the pattern of your destiny...' said Marcus Aurelius. I mean, anyone who was Maximus' mentor in Gladiator has to be made of subtantial moral and intellectual fibre - a man of substance and experience (seriously though, his book Meditations is a classic. Nice and short too.)
Anyways I digress.
Forcing things to happen is just so... wrong.
But... it's a fact of my life that my subconcious is scarily at work at the moment.
In fact - it is a fact of life that, when in alignment, our subconcious will nicely order things in a neat queue in our minds, and those things will appear, as gift wrapped tasks ready to be completed, on time, every time.
Our sub concious takes care of things backstage - to the extent that i don't even know what it is up to most of the time.
The manifestations are happening allovertheplacerightnow!!!
I am putting this proposal to one side... until it reaches the front of the queue and is ready to be written.
Thank god for that.
OK, back to changing the world...
Writing time: 5 hours
Manifestation: 100%
It ain't easy.
Synopsis, compelling key sentence, differentiation, key messages, chapter outlines, author details, first 2 chapters...
Exhausting.
All my sentences seem to be about 90 words long, and all my messages seem to be either plagiarised, or lost in a fug of over anxious, self concious first-time-authorisms.
There is something about writing this proposal that seems contrary to all my new beliefs and methods.
'Accept only that which comes woven in the pattern of your destiny...' said Marcus Aurelius. I mean, anyone who was Maximus' mentor in Gladiator has to be made of subtantial moral and intellectual fibre - a man of substance and experience (seriously though, his book Meditations is a classic. Nice and short too.)
Anyways I digress.
Forcing things to happen is just so... wrong.
But... it's a fact of my life that my subconcious is scarily at work at the moment.
In fact - it is a fact of life that, when in alignment, our subconcious will nicely order things in a neat queue in our minds, and those things will appear, as gift wrapped tasks ready to be completed, on time, every time.
Our sub concious takes care of things backstage - to the extent that i don't even know what it is up to most of the time.
The manifestations are happening allovertheplacerightnow!!!
I am putting this proposal to one side... until it reaches the front of the queue and is ready to be written.
Thank god for that.
OK, back to changing the world...
Writing time: 5 hours
Manifestation: 100%
Monday, 4 June 2007
Day 86 - an awakening story
Awakenings: “An intuitive realisation that change is required”.
Don't you just love 'intuition'? Think about it as a word: 'in'-'tuition'. Tuition from within. I.e. all the answers lie within...
Anyway - awakenings are a form of intuition. You know the ones - when you are driving to work or on the tube and you feel a ‘pang’ that you should be doing something different with your life. Or the moment you realise that you need to break up with someone. When you suddenly think ‘what the hell am I doing with my life?’
It may seem like you have these all the time and you probably do. But why do we always ignore them? We brush them under the carpet and they fester, morphing from wonderful little awakenings into grouchy little voices. It's a strange default setting of the human condition to suppress awakenings - it's down to fear. Fear of change and fear of the unknown.
I for one am going to make every endeavour in life to listen to - and act upon - every single awakening I have from now on. It's quite a daunting task. It means never saying 'oh well, never mind', or 'I can't do that', or 'I’m not doing that it's too scary'.
It's committing to a life outside the comfort zone - but it leads to the rich, sun drenched pastures beyond the matrix.
Because acting upon awakenings – trusting yourself – is one of the greatest feelings that a human being can have.
I was thinking about one I had about a year ago and decided to blog it - I look upon it as one of my biggest moments of clarity.
It came at the age of 29 (a little while before I started this blog), after spending most of my 20’s working in various forms of marketing / advertising / PR. I had been recruited to write / direct a commercial documentary about the gambling industry (funded by an online gambling tycoon), exposing the extensive and corrupt involvement of the 109th Congress with various aspects of the American land based gambling industry, and their attempts to ban online gambling. Albeit morally questionable, It was a fun project to work on – huge budgets, flying all over the world, interviewing politicians and businessmen and high rollers.
Anyway, back to the awakening: I was on a plane flying from Phoenix to Chicago. In Phoenix I had interviewed the world’s leading anti gambling activist, the Reverend Tom Grey. He had seriously impressed me – he was a man on a mission - a man with principles. We got on well and it was a good interview, but it made me feel uneasy – did that guy respect me? Did he even like me? Was he just being polite? I had the feeling that this incredibly fit 65/70 yr old had thought that I was charming, but a bit of a sham. A fake.
So here I am on a plane (feeling uneasy because I always want people to like me), and the in flight movie comes on – it’s ‘Thank you for Smoking’. If you haven’t seen his brilliant movie, rent it now - it's about the lobbying tactics of the big tobacco companies. Cue what I call my ‘Jerry McGuire Moment’. Major Pang. I realised that by directing this film about gambling that I was becoming that lead lobby guy in ‘Thank you For Smoking’ – the guy who promotes smoking as healthy and cool. And I realised that although I loved the process of writing, I’d never actually written anything that was true.
For the first time ever I stopped thinking aboutthe monthly paycheck, and started to think about my place in the world.
And I can't say I liked it.
When I really identified what my place was, and considered the ripple effect it could be having on the world, I just decided there and then to change that – that that existence was not good enough for me – and shortly after that, following a bizzare sequence of events, I sat down and started to write this book.
6 months on I am not earning a conventional salary, but I have manifested ways to survive - prosper even, and I am as happy as I have ever been. Integrity, authenticity, love and trust are all ever present in life.
I know I keep saying it, but I am in alignment.
I just want to take a moment to thank the Reverend for not liking me - it triggered my biggest awakening.
Imagine how the world would be if everyone - every single person - never again chose to ignore an awakening.
If they acted upon every single one...
Writing time: 3 hours
Manifestation: 100%
Don't you just love 'intuition'? Think about it as a word: 'in'-'tuition'. Tuition from within. I.e. all the answers lie within...
Anyway - awakenings are a form of intuition. You know the ones - when you are driving to work or on the tube and you feel a ‘pang’ that you should be doing something different with your life. Or the moment you realise that you need to break up with someone. When you suddenly think ‘what the hell am I doing with my life?’
It may seem like you have these all the time and you probably do. But why do we always ignore them? We brush them under the carpet and they fester, morphing from wonderful little awakenings into grouchy little voices. It's a strange default setting of the human condition to suppress awakenings - it's down to fear. Fear of change and fear of the unknown.
I for one am going to make every endeavour in life to listen to - and act upon - every single awakening I have from now on. It's quite a daunting task. It means never saying 'oh well, never mind', or 'I can't do that', or 'I’m not doing that it's too scary'.
It's committing to a life outside the comfort zone - but it leads to the rich, sun drenched pastures beyond the matrix.
Because acting upon awakenings – trusting yourself – is one of the greatest feelings that a human being can have.
I was thinking about one I had about a year ago and decided to blog it - I look upon it as one of my biggest moments of clarity.
It came at the age of 29 (a little while before I started this blog), after spending most of my 20’s working in various forms of marketing / advertising / PR. I had been recruited to write / direct a commercial documentary about the gambling industry (funded by an online gambling tycoon), exposing the extensive and corrupt involvement of the 109th Congress with various aspects of the American land based gambling industry, and their attempts to ban online gambling. Albeit morally questionable, It was a fun project to work on – huge budgets, flying all over the world, interviewing politicians and businessmen and high rollers.
Anyway, back to the awakening: I was on a plane flying from Phoenix to Chicago. In Phoenix I had interviewed the world’s leading anti gambling activist, the Reverend Tom Grey. He had seriously impressed me – he was a man on a mission - a man with principles. We got on well and it was a good interview, but it made me feel uneasy – did that guy respect me? Did he even like me? Was he just being polite? I had the feeling that this incredibly fit 65/70 yr old had thought that I was charming, but a bit of a sham. A fake.
So here I am on a plane (feeling uneasy because I always want people to like me), and the in flight movie comes on – it’s ‘Thank you for Smoking’. If you haven’t seen his brilliant movie, rent it now - it's about the lobbying tactics of the big tobacco companies. Cue what I call my ‘Jerry McGuire Moment’. Major Pang. I realised that by directing this film about gambling that I was becoming that lead lobby guy in ‘Thank you For Smoking’ – the guy who promotes smoking as healthy and cool. And I realised that although I loved the process of writing, I’d never actually written anything that was true.
For the first time ever I stopped thinking aboutthe monthly paycheck, and started to think about my place in the world.
And I can't say I liked it.
When I really identified what my place was, and considered the ripple effect it could be having on the world, I just decided there and then to change that – that that existence was not good enough for me – and shortly after that, following a bizzare sequence of events, I sat down and started to write this book.
6 months on I am not earning a conventional salary, but I have manifested ways to survive - prosper even, and I am as happy as I have ever been. Integrity, authenticity, love and trust are all ever present in life.
I know I keep saying it, but I am in alignment.
I just want to take a moment to thank the Reverend for not liking me - it triggered my biggest awakening.
Imagine how the world would be if everyone - every single person - never again chose to ignore an awakening.
If they acted upon every single one...
Writing time: 3 hours
Manifestation: 100%
Day 85 - igniting my life
I've been spreading myself very thin over the past week.
Management of new, resident team of polish builders, commencement of yet another course, family birthdays and overdue, taxing conversations about love have all taken their toll. It is tempting, exhausted and run down as I feel, to say that my manifestation skills have not been applied all that brilliantly of late.
But all around me I can see the manifestation at work.
Some of the courses I have been doing recently have been a revelation. And they've taught me to recognise the different 'stages' we all go through as human beings.
My adult stages?
Confusion - Ambition - Retreat - Procrastination - Belief - Ignition.
Soon to be followed by... Enlightenment?
I am just leaving the Belief phase - my discovery of all things detailed in this blog.
My rationale behind 'Ignition'?
I feel like I am doing something properly for the first time ever. As if I am engaging in life for the first time. I seem to be 'green lighting' (igniting) my life, in many different areas - writing, work, living quarters, love. All the things I have been talking about doing are starting to get done. And it's left me feeling exhausted and disoriented.
And I've realised (I wonder how many times I’ve written those words in this blog?), that life may well be somewhat chaotic for quite some time now.
The wheels are in motion:
I downsized my flat to fund my writing life; unwittingly starting on a new business path (property development); the funds also allowed me to embark on some hardcore personal development; which in turn has spawned the idea for a new business; which will provide the basis from which I can launch my book; all of which is moving forwards at some speed, and thus enabling me to feel very confident about love for the first time in a long time.
Nice sequence of events.
The great thing is, I don't even feel like anything will go wrong.
Because I am doing it right this time - I am in alignment. Using The Secret.
Which feels so good.
Writing time: Not enough, but that's no sweat. I've realised this may all take a long time, and I'm good with that.
Manifestation: 100%
Management of new, resident team of polish builders, commencement of yet another course, family birthdays and overdue, taxing conversations about love have all taken their toll. It is tempting, exhausted and run down as I feel, to say that my manifestation skills have not been applied all that brilliantly of late.
But all around me I can see the manifestation at work.
Some of the courses I have been doing recently have been a revelation. And they've taught me to recognise the different 'stages' we all go through as human beings.
My adult stages?
Confusion - Ambition - Retreat - Procrastination - Belief - Ignition.
Soon to be followed by... Enlightenment?
I am just leaving the Belief phase - my discovery of all things detailed in this blog.
My rationale behind 'Ignition'?
I feel like I am doing something properly for the first time ever. As if I am engaging in life for the first time. I seem to be 'green lighting' (igniting) my life, in many different areas - writing, work, living quarters, love. All the things I have been talking about doing are starting to get done. And it's left me feeling exhausted and disoriented.
And I've realised (I wonder how many times I’ve written those words in this blog?), that life may well be somewhat chaotic for quite some time now.
The wheels are in motion:
I downsized my flat to fund my writing life; unwittingly starting on a new business path (property development); the funds also allowed me to embark on some hardcore personal development; which in turn has spawned the idea for a new business; which will provide the basis from which I can launch my book; all of which is moving forwards at some speed, and thus enabling me to feel very confident about love for the first time in a long time.
Nice sequence of events.
The great thing is, I don't even feel like anything will go wrong.
Because I am doing it right this time - I am in alignment. Using The Secret.
Which feels so good.
Writing time: Not enough, but that's no sweat. I've realised this may all take a long time, and I'm good with that.
Manifestation: 100%
Saturday, 2 June 2007
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